Having trouble finding a job in the current economy? We here
at The Pattison Chronicle think it’s a damned shame that qualified people such
as our viewers (clearly the best people out there) can’t find jobs in their
fields. As such, we’ve created a comprehensive five step guide on how to ace
your first interview and get that dream job you’ve always wanted.
1. Hair
Hair Style, you don’t want to look like a dork walking into
some corporate hotshot office. So here are the three acceptable hairstyles for
interviewing that say “Hey, I’m conservative, but also an alpha male/female.”
Remember that all of these cuts are unisex, because do you
2. Attire
The second is obviously clothing. In the job market you’re
going to be going up against a bunch of conservatively dressed pencil pushers.
Break the mold, and remember that tasteful sleeveless tees are the name of the
game.
3. Be late
Show up late. This one should be a no-brainer, but
oftentimes people are punctual for an interview, and nothing says NERD like
timeliness. If your interview is at 10AM, show up at 11, or better yet, don’t
show up at all. Tell your boss that you are in charge of scheduling, and that
they shouldn’t be wasting your time with early meetings.
4. The Cat
Emphasize your cat. There isn’t a boss in the world who won’t
be amazed by your ability to tame the unfettered beast that is a domesticated
feline. Owning a cat shows that you are responsible, and akin to Tarzan when it
comes to woodland survival. Don’t have a cat? Get one.
5. Eye Contact
When in doubt, don’t speak. Prolonged, aggravated eye
contact is a surefire way to assert dominance in the workplace, and almost
never comes across as creepy or weird. Hell, you’ll probably get promoted for
being such a go-getter.
Just remember, you’re the best person for this job, and the
interviewer should know that already. Realistically, the entire interview is riding
on them, so you might as well relax and have a cold one. Be sure to share your
success stories with us on Twitter, Facebook, and the comments below. Also
remember that sharing is caring, and once you have a job, you should help your
friends out by sharing this guide so that they don’t end up flipping burgers at
Bank of America.
