The Pattison Chronicle Interview Guide

Having trouble finding a job in the current economy? We here at The Pattison Chronicle think it’s a damned shame that qualified people such as our viewers (clearly the best people out there) can’t find jobs in their fields. As such, we’ve created a comprehensive five step guide on how to ace your first interview and get that dream job you’ve always wanted.

1. Hair

Hair Style, you don’t want to look like a dork walking into some corporate hotshot office. So here are the three acceptable hairstyles for interviewing that say “Hey, I’m conservative, but also an alpha male/female.” Remember that all of these cuts are unisex, because do you

2. Attire

The second is obviously clothing. In the job market you’re going to be going up against a bunch of conservatively dressed pencil pushers. Break the mold, and remember that tasteful sleeveless tees are the name of the game.

3. Be late

Show up late. This one should be a no-brainer, but oftentimes people are punctual for an interview, and nothing says NERD like timeliness. If your interview is at 10AM, show up at 11, or better yet, don’t show up at all. Tell your boss that you are in charge of scheduling, and that they shouldn’t be wasting your time with early meetings.

4. The Cat

Emphasize your cat. There isn’t a boss in the world who won’t be amazed by your ability to tame the unfettered beast that is a domesticated feline. Owning a cat shows that you are responsible, and akin to Tarzan when it comes to woodland survival. Don’t have a cat? Get one.

5. Eye Contact

When in doubt, don’t speak. Prolonged, aggravated eye contact is a surefire way to assert dominance in the workplace, and almost never comes across as creepy or weird. Hell, you’ll probably get promoted for being such a go-getter.

Just remember, you’re the best person for this job, and the interviewer should know that already. Realistically, the entire interview is riding on them, so you might as well relax and have a cold one. Be sure to share your success stories with us on Twitter, Facebook, and the comments below. Also remember that sharing is caring, and once you have a job, you should help your friends out by sharing this guide so that they don’t end up flipping burgers at Bank of America.

Financial: ISIS to Attend College Career Fair

It’s no secret that finding a job for qualified, young college graduates is a difficult task in the current economy. Employers are looking for candidates with experience, and unfortunately, our higher education system just doesn’t provide it. Well, for all those fresh-faced graduates, there is one organization that has their back in the cutthroat world of post-college education, and the name might be surprising. In the fall of 2015, ISIS will begin attending career fairs around the country, helping place qualified candidates in what they call ‘entry level positions’.

Yes, today ISIS made an announcement from its desert cave campus, detailing its plans to help the youth of America. “In a word, ISIS is impervious to economic decline. The market may fluctuate, but pillaging is an isolated business, and always provides a stable income. Couple that with our high employee turnover rate, and we’re always looking to hire new talent.” When asked about the ‘turnover rate’, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi claimed that it was because of employees ‘moving on’, but would not list which companies they had been placed with because of confidentiality.

Specifically, ISIS will be looking for candidates with “strong work ethic, leadership capabilities, and the basic strength required to lift an AK-47 to shoulder height.” Their benefits package consists of an all you can pillage policy from Allstate, which allows employees to utilize family heirlooms and other plunder as forms of co-pay. Some might be skeptical of ISIS stepping in to help our kids, but hey, at least their hiring!

What are your thoughts on ISIS as a post-college career? Let us know in the comments below, and on Facebook/Twitter. Be sure to follow us, so that you never miss an article, and tell your friends, because knowledge is power.

Want more articles about ISIS? We've got your back.
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ISIS Documentary Snubbed
ISIS to Host Children's Show

Can You Tell the Difference Between a Millennial and a Cat?

I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately talking about the Millennial working population, or lack thereof. The gist is that Millennials don’t want to work hard, but still want to have shit loads of cash just thrown at them (so far this is all true, let’s break with reality). Throughout these readings, a singular thought occurred to me: “When behind a black curtain, could I tell the difference between a Millennial and a cat?”  The result has led me to the following quiz. Please take it, and post your amount of correct answers on social media and in the comments below. I will legitimately make this into a graph.

Yes Toby, we understand that you need sleep, but The Pattison Chronicle does not tolerate failure. 

MILLENNIAL

Rhapsody contributes nothing to society other than the occasional hairball...

CAT

 Honestly I've experienced this one from both...

MILLENNICAT

Professional development requires opposable thumbs.

MILLENNIAL

Remember to post your results and share this quiz with your friends. Maybe we could pay Millennials in wet food?

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Parents Horrified as Highly Qualified Liberal Arts Major Can’t Get a Job

July 6^th, 2015 YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT

A suburban mother was terrified this morning as the news of her son’s unemployment came in the form of a text message asking for “a place to crash, just until I get my feet under me.” Chad Williams, 23 years old, had just graduated from Evergreen College with a major in History through Interpretive Dance, when he found himself on the unemployment line.

“I just don’t understand it. He had passing grades throughout college, and now he can’t even find a job teaching inner-city youths about The Civil War through dance. I think it’s the economy.” With business and high tech on the rise in the Seattle area, it’s no surprise that students who majored in anything involving interpretive dance, psychology, and other studies (mainly anything that isn’t computer science, business, or math) have found a stark job market.

Ah, university, a place for postponing the slap in the face that is our current job market. 

In these trying times of unemployment, The Pattison Chronicle has dedicated time to make a flowchart to help youths in deciding on where to apply in the current job market.

Please share with your loved ones, so that we may stop unemployment, one non-science major at a time.

--Ashton Macaulay, Master’s in Experimental Psychology, Please Hire Me, I have a CV