Can You Tell the Difference Between a Millennial and a Cat?

I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately talking about the Millennial working population, or lack thereof. The gist is that Millennials don’t want to work hard, but still want to have shit loads of cash just thrown at them (so far this is all true, let’s break with reality). Throughout these readings, a singular thought occurred to me: “When behind a black curtain, could I tell the difference between a Millennial and a cat?”  The result has led me to the following quiz. Please take it, and post your amount of correct answers on social media and in the comments below. I will legitimately make this into a graph.

Yes Toby, we understand that you need sleep, but The Pattison Chronicle does not tolerate failure. 

MILLENNIAL

Rhapsody contributes nothing to society other than the occasional hairball...

CAT

 Honestly I've experienced this one from both...

MILLENNICAT

Professional development requires opposable thumbs.

MILLENNIAL

Remember to post your results and share this quiz with your friends. Maybe we could pay Millennials in wet food?

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Parents Horrified as Highly Qualified Liberal Arts Major Can’t Get a Job

July 6^th, 2015 YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT

A suburban mother was terrified this morning as the news of her son’s unemployment came in the form of a text message asking for “a place to crash, just until I get my feet under me.” Chad Williams, 23 years old, had just graduated from Evergreen College with a major in History through Interpretive Dance, when he found himself on the unemployment line.

“I just don’t understand it. He had passing grades throughout college, and now he can’t even find a job teaching inner-city youths about The Civil War through dance. I think it’s the economy.” With business and high tech on the rise in the Seattle area, it’s no surprise that students who majored in anything involving interpretive dance, psychology, and other studies (mainly anything that isn’t computer science, business, or math) have found a stark job market.

Ah, university, a place for postponing the slap in the face that is our current job market. 

In these trying times of unemployment, The Pattison Chronicle has dedicated time to make a flowchart to help youths in deciding on where to apply in the current job market.

Please share with your loved ones, so that we may stop unemployment, one non-science major at a time.

--Ashton Macaulay, Master’s in Experimental Psychology, Please Hire Me, I have a CV

Has the Northwest’s Politeness Gone Too Far?

June 19th, 2015 SEATTLE WA?

Hey, I actually took this one! Shout out to Columbia Center.

The Northwest is a polite place. Sure, that’s why we all like it so much, but when does it go too far? Recently headlines have been covering the mind-bending shit-storm that is trying to merge in Seattle, but evidence of a much larger story has just become known. A Pattison Chronicle intern (who shall remain nameless so we can’t have their paystubs audited) unearthed a series of documents that call into question the very nature of Seattle’s existence. Specifically, Seattle isn’t an American city, it’s Canadian.

Well that was quick.

It all started in the winter of 1869 when Seattle was first officially incorporated (that’s a fact, we can use Wikipedia). Unfortunately, when the US survey man came through to congratulate the city on being officially recognized, no one stopped to correct him. Instead, citizens hung their heads awkwardly, and tried not to embarrass him any further. As a result, the US took a page out of Vladmir Putin’s book and annexed Canada.

Join the ranks of Chad Croeger and the Beliebers Kurt... I'm so sorry.

Not all is despair Seattle, at least now you have that indie edge that you’ve always wanted. Oh, and rest assured the US will be sanctioning imports, and the new border crossing on both edges of the city will help maintain that majestic traffic we have all come to know and love.

--Ashton Macaulay, Watcher on the Wall (Canadian Border) & Rememberer of the North

Seattle Turns to Piracy

June 16, 2015 SEATTLE WA

Stock image of Seattle to attract viewers...

A disturbing trend has taken hold in Seattle’s marine areas, as thousands of unemployed college graduates have forsaken the city’s high-rent hovels for the high seas. In the wake of the Amazon bubble (That’s right Bezos, it’s a goddamned bubble, just you wait), piracy has once again become a legitimate profession. With rent for a 10 square foot apartment being somewhere in the $1590/Month range, commandeering sailboats and plundering the Puget Sound has become an increasingly attractive option. We’ve included a five-step guide to figure out if your loved one might be making the jump to piracy.

1. Beard Activity

2. Presence of Weaponry

3. Sudden Boat Ownership

4. Why is the rum gone?

5. Monkeys

If your loved one fits any of these profiles, it’s time to consider giving the anti-piracy talk. We will soon be releasing a parenting guide to raising your child piracy free. It will be available for digital download, so that we can make some fucking money and return that boat we didn’t steal, and feed the monkey, and polish the swords, and buy more rum, and beard lube. Get off my back mom!

Good Mountain Bad Mountain: A Geologist's Guide

May 25, 2015, USGS LAB

Do you ever look out your window at that snow-covered mountain, that a high school science teacher once told you was a dormant volcano, and wonder? Well, if recent geological surveys are to be believed, that mountain is almost certainly going to erupt within the next 0 to 1,000,000 years! I know, it’s shocking for all of us, but volcano awareness is the first step to avoiding death by backyard incineration.

Believe it or not there was a geologist out on that mountain today and he confirmed that it was indeed a volcano, which puts you and your family at extreme risk for sudden lava death. Our researchers (they watched Volcano three times apiece, so you know they’re reliable), have put together a helpful guide for you and your family to raise volcano awareness. 

Remember, when in doubt, panic and donate all of your money to The Pattison Chronicle. Works 60% of the time, every time. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Lover of Volcanic Gods, Hawaii Avoidance Expert, Geologist?

Orca Prostitution in Downtown Seatte

Welcome to the second article for The Pattison Chronicle’s Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation Excellence (or WHORE for short, we fired that intern, but the logo was made). In this segment we will focus on an interview that was conducted in the field with a frequent “tap orca” user. The content of this interview is graphic and may be unsuitable for some of our younger readers (we have readers right?).

For those who just can't wait... PERVERTS!

DOWNTOWN SEATTLE, WA

In downtown Seattle, there are over a hundred “tap orca” stations in circulation, and the city is doing nothing about it. The police turn a blind eye to this sordid industry, and most of the public is blissfully unaware of its presence. An intern at the chronicle managed to land an interview with a frequent “tap orca” user, through superior ambush journalism techniques. The citizen declined to have her photo shown, but did consent to be interviewed. As such, we will refer to her as Jane Gottleib of 1045 45^th street, Seattle, WA (Please someone go find this woman!).

“I find that they provide better companionship than humans. Despite their stature, they really are gentle lovers.” The gentle nature she is referring to is of course achieved through repeated injections of mind-numbing drugs by the Seattle Transit Authority. When confronted with the this fact Jane had the following to say: “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If they can tow ferries I don’t see why they can’t work in this industry.”

"I just swipe my card and head over to the waterfront. It's painess..."

It is these kinds of attributions that have kept the orcas in servitude for decades. Help us end orca oppression today, by following The Pattison Chronicle*, and writing to your local transit authority to stop the use of Orca cards. Together we can end this injustice and start a new day for orcas everywhere.

This is a breach for help! 

--Ashton Macaulay, Whale Trainer, Senior Seaworld Trainer, Ferry Captain

*The Pattison Chronicle is a subsidiary of Seaworld International

Apple Unveils the iWatch C

March 9, 2015 APPLE HEADQUARTERS, COFFE SHOP?

"Imagine being able to tell the time, without looking at your phone."

The announcement of Apple’s new smart watch has been mixed reviews. The pricing models range from a couple hundred dollars all the way to $10,000 (that part is actually true). The hefty price tags didn’t do much to deter a veritable army of men with top knots, shoddily made wool hats, and thick rimmed glasses who have already begun lining up around the blocks of metropolitan business centers around the country. However, for those who can’t afford this new item that is clearly  a necessity, Apple has an option for you!

Introducing the Apple iWatch Cheap…

"Sometimes old school is the best school."

“This cheaper model of our already wildly successful iWatch is a more efficient and slimmed down product. It is completely solar powered, making charging a thing of the past.” While the iWatch C doesn’t have some of the features (everything but the ability to tell time) of its more expensive model, Apple CEO Tim Cook promises that customers will be satisfied.

The iWatch C has a hefty list of pre-orders and is likely to sell out before it hits shelves this Wednesday. “I just really like the feel of it; It’s so retro and minimalist.” Said one man wearing a sweatshirt with a hand-knit bear on it, sipping a foamless, non-fat, free range, soy macchiato from a local coffee chain that has since gone into foreclosure.

Lenon wants his glasses back dude.

We here at The Pattison Chroncile would write more about this, but we have to get in f***ing line!

--Ashton Macaulay, titles, titles, F*** it

ISIS to Host Children's Show on Public Access

February 13, 2015 DESERT CAVE, MIDDLE EAST

ISIS has been all over the news lately. Between air strikes, executions, and toppling unstable regimes, their media presence has been mostly negative, but if recent sources are to be believed, that’s all about to change. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, or Al for short has announced a new media campaign to help reverse the negative image that his organization has received. That’s right ISIS is starting a children’s show on PBS.

Jerry the Jihadist Jaguar (played by Charlie Sheen) will be premiering in the next few weeks on public access networks around the globe. “I know it seems counterintuitive to start with public access, but we really want to crowd-source this so that we can save money for missile strikes and abductions.” The Save Jerry campaign on Kickstarter has already received $30,000 from backers. ISIS has received some heat over the campaign as certain members of the site have called it misleading, or lies.

“Look, look, yes our campaign may contain some inaccuracies, but that is the nature of viral marketing. Yes we said the campaign was to bring back Jerry Simons who we kidnapped back in May, but the lie is for a good cause, and we really did kidnap Jerry! He’s going to be our guest star on the first episode, I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but it rhymes with elocution.”

Have you ever seen a militant look so happy?

 When asked to take down the campaign, Kickstarter responded with the following statement: “We are looking into the situation, but we do not have all the facts yet. Judgment will be reached within the next 6-26 months.” The Save Jerry campaign is only $70,000 short of its backing goal, and the campaign will end within the next 5 months.

Jerry the Jihadist Jaguar is set to premier on June 6^th 2015 in the 2AM timeslot. We’ll be tuning in and providing you with our review shortly after its release.

--Jane Doe, Senior Anonymity Correspondent & Soon to be Fired Intern