ISIL Documentary Snubbed by Oscar Committee

February 23, 2015 DESERT CAVE/FILM STUDIO

Why none of your favorite shows were on last night.

The internet is abuzz about the film Birdman beating out Selma for best picture at the Oscars last night, but the real snub comes in one of the minor categories. Documentary short subject probably went to some Polish film about a person living in black and white, but the independent film production company ISIL feels their film was blacklisted from the award shows because of conflicting political ideals (they kill people for fun). The documentary Beheading of an Infidel  received only one award nomination this year (Best Picture, Extremist Academy of Religious Bigotry and ‘Sciences’).

I mean they could have at least thrown them a nomination... racists.

“We really went all out on the cinematography for this film. Some may not have noticed, but the entire film was one continuous shot, and we released it before Birdman.” When asked if he thought Birdman had ripped off their film the documentarian had this to say: “It’s a different concept entirely, I mean they pan away when they execute their actors, but the filmmaking is definitely derivative.”

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences called the allegations ‘frivolous’ and ‘unfounded’, which in turn drew a slew of threats from various shadow organizations. ISIL responded in what they considered tit for tat by conquering yet another Mideastern territory.

ISIL joins an ever growing list of surprising Oscar snubs including The Lego Movie, and every black actor/actress in Hollywood.

Bet you never thought you'd see Legos in an article about ISIS.

--Pattison Schneider, Tow Orca, Mammal, & Film Critic

ISIS to Host Children's Show on Public Access

February 13, 2015 DESERT CAVE, MIDDLE EAST

ISIS has been all over the news lately. Between air strikes, executions, and toppling unstable regimes, their media presence has been mostly negative, but if recent sources are to be believed, that’s all about to change. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, or Al for short has announced a new media campaign to help reverse the negative image that his organization has received. That’s right ISIS is starting a children’s show on PBS.

Jerry the Jihadist Jaguar (played by Charlie Sheen) will be premiering in the next few weeks on public access networks around the globe. “I know it seems counterintuitive to start with public access, but we really want to crowd-source this so that we can save money for missile strikes and abductions.” The Save Jerry campaign on Kickstarter has already received $30,000 from backers. ISIS has received some heat over the campaign as certain members of the site have called it misleading, or lies.

“Look, look, yes our campaign may contain some inaccuracies, but that is the nature of viral marketing. Yes we said the campaign was to bring back Jerry Simons who we kidnapped back in May, but the lie is for a good cause, and we really did kidnap Jerry! He’s going to be our guest star on the first episode, I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but it rhymes with elocution.”

Have you ever seen a militant look so happy?

 When asked to take down the campaign, Kickstarter responded with the following statement: “We are looking into the situation, but we do not have all the facts yet. Judgment will be reached within the next 6-26 months.” The Save Jerry campaign is only $70,000 short of its backing goal, and the campaign will end within the next 5 months.

Jerry the Jihadist Jaguar is set to premier on June 6^th 2015 in the 2AM timeslot. We’ll be tuning in and providing you with our review shortly after its release.

--Jane Doe, Senior Anonymity Correspondent & Soon to be Fired Intern