Viking Field Goal Hampered by Divine Intervention

January 11^th 2016

For many Minnesota fans, Sunday’s game was a disappointment, as their playoff hopes died with an ill-fated field goal attempt. Most were quick to disown Blair Walsh and blame his inadequacy (until next year’s pre-season), but some have speculated that there may have been another reason for his missed attempt. Mainly, the blame has begun to fall on the vengeful wrath of ancient Viking gods who have been offended by Minnesota’s mascot.

The Minnesota Vikings have used caricatures of Norse gods for their mascot since the early 1960s, and it appears that it is finally catching up with them. Professors of mythology from all over the globe have begun to speculate that there might have been some divine interference during the game. “If you look at the moment the kick veers off course, you can very clearly see Thor’s hammer flying in from the west,” said Dr. Obfu Scate. He suspects that the Norse gods finally grew tired of being a mockery and took matters into their own hands.

Meteorologists have also been unable to explain the extreme cold experienced during the game, which is unusual for Wisconsin’s normally balmy climate. While some initially interpreted this as the gods being on Minnesota’s side, it is clear now that it was the opposite.

The Seattle Seahawks were seen training with several ornithologists for their next game, but have declined to acknowledge their fear of potential mascot interference. More on this story after next week’s game.

--Ashton Macaulay, Junior Ornithologist, Football Spectator, Television Set Combatant

Whole Foods Scandal

The granola-based grocery chain Whole Foods is under fire today as one of its most popular items has been misleading customers. The custom-branded Himalayan Llama Milk was recently tested by a group of dissatisfied scientists, and found to contain gluten, animal cruelty, and GMOs. This comes on the wake of another scandal where Whole Foods was accused of cutting gluten free bread with regular whole wheat to create dependency, and save on cost.

“It’s just impossible to trust them anymore. I’ll just have to go local for my Himalayan llama milk from now on,” said a disgruntled customer wearing two pairs of thick rimmed glasses and a fedora knit by the homeless, who claimed to enjoy the product. For those who are unfamiliar, Himalayan llama milk is prized for the altitude at which it is collected, with Sherpas swearing by its mystical healing powers. Whole Foods claims that these llamas are kept on secret farms deep within the mountains, to assure that the animals do not feel any public shame for debasing themselves to fill cereal bowls made of re-claimed oak trees.

The group of rogue scientists calling themselves Activists to Stymie Subterfuge (ASS), have vowed to test the entire Whole Foods catalog, and publish their results online. Farmer’s markets and roadside fruit stands are set to see an economic boom as consumer trust in the Whole Foods brand has already dropped by over 75%. Be sure to join the fight against Whole Foods on social media by using the hashtag #ForLlamasSake. Share your thoughts with us on Facebook and Twitter as well!

The Pattison Chronicle Interview Guide

Having trouble finding a job in the current economy? We here at The Pattison Chronicle think it’s a damned shame that qualified people such as our viewers (clearly the best people out there) can’t find jobs in their fields. As such, we’ve created a comprehensive five step guide on how to ace your first interview and get that dream job you’ve always wanted.

1. Hair

Hair Style, you don’t want to look like a dork walking into some corporate hotshot office. So here are the three acceptable hairstyles for interviewing that say “Hey, I’m conservative, but also an alpha male/female.” Remember that all of these cuts are unisex, because do you

2. Attire

The second is obviously clothing. In the job market you’re going to be going up against a bunch of conservatively dressed pencil pushers. Break the mold, and remember that tasteful sleeveless tees are the name of the game.

3. Be late

Show up late. This one should be a no-brainer, but oftentimes people are punctual for an interview, and nothing says NERD like timeliness. If your interview is at 10AM, show up at 11, or better yet, don’t show up at all. Tell your boss that you are in charge of scheduling, and that they shouldn’t be wasting your time with early meetings.

4. The Cat

Emphasize your cat. There isn’t a boss in the world who won’t be amazed by your ability to tame the unfettered beast that is a domesticated feline. Owning a cat shows that you are responsible, and akin to Tarzan when it comes to woodland survival. Don’t have a cat? Get one.

5. Eye Contact

When in doubt, don’t speak. Prolonged, aggravated eye contact is a surefire way to assert dominance in the workplace, and almost never comes across as creepy or weird. Hell, you’ll probably get promoted for being such a go-getter.

Just remember, you’re the best person for this job, and the interviewer should know that already. Realistically, the entire interview is riding on them, so you might as well relax and have a cold one. Be sure to share your success stories with us on Twitter, Facebook, and the comments below. Also remember that sharing is caring, and once you have a job, you should help your friends out by sharing this guide so that they don’t end up flipping burgers at Bank of America.

City of Seattle Funds Psychiatric Volcanology

September 8th, 2015 SEATTLE, WA

Seattle, city of rain, passive-aggressive homeless, and of course, a massive volcano waiting to kill us all. For anyone who has not read our article on volcano awareness, allow me to give you a quick recap: When Mount Rainer finally decides it’s had enough, we’re all done for. Luckily, the Seattle City Council has opted to do something about it, because for obvious reasons, volcanoes are the city’s number one concern.

Beginning fall 2016, Seattle will start providing research grants for PhD students willing to study Psychiatric Volcanology. “It’s clear now that our neighbor Mount Rainier is emotionally unstable, and the fact of the matter is that our geologists can’t do anything about it. They can predict when it might blow, and develop evacuation plans, but we need to stop this at the source,” said Seattle mayor Ed Murray.

Psychiatric Volcanologists will focus on the emotional states of past volcanoes, examining modern day case studies like the Bi-Polar Kilauea, all the way to Manic Depressive Pompeii. Through examination of the past, it is hoped that scientists will be able further identify risk factors for the mountains in the Pacific North West, as well as treatment plans to help keep them stable. University of Washington has already announced its support for the plan, stating that they have begun immediate construction on a combined geology and psychology department science center, slated to begin accepting students next fall.

Still from the Pixar Documentary Lava(2015)

The whole plan will cost Seattle tax-payers a paltry $150 million dollars over the next four years. We here at The Pattison Chronicle are happy to finally see the government take action on the important issues, and will gladly be contributing to the cause. What do you think of the new program? Will you become one of the first Volcanic Psychologists? Tell us on Facebook and Twitter, and don’t forget to subscribe! 

Man Loses Battle with Tech Support

AUGUST 25TH, SEATTLE, WA

Sad news today as it appears that local Seattleite Randy Craig has lost the battle with tech support. Doctors arrived at the Craig residence this morning to find Randy dead, and still listening to the customer support hold music. The King County coroner’s office has ruled the death accidental, as no one at the customer support hotline actually knew that Randy was on hold.

The incident began when Randy called tech support after recently updating his computer. The call log shows that he went through 53 automated menus, and was transferred a total of 10 times, before he was put on hold for 3 days. “We can’t be sure what killed him in the end, but signs point to the holding music.” The music shifts every three minutes to give the customer the illusion that something is changing on the other end. Mr. Craig called from a cellular phone, which allowed him to be exposed to the music for the entire duration of the call (over 36 hours) “Hold music toxicity levels tend to peak around 3 hours. It’s a miracle he lasted as long as he did.”

Humorous image of our non-existent tech support team inserted to break up an otherwise dark article.  

 Doctors are urging the public to exercise safe tech support habits. You can find a promotional poster below that shows how to stay safe while waiting on hold.

Financial: ISIS to Attend College Career Fair

It’s no secret that finding a job for qualified, young college graduates is a difficult task in the current economy. Employers are looking for candidates with experience, and unfortunately, our higher education system just doesn’t provide it. Well, for all those fresh-faced graduates, there is one organization that has their back in the cutthroat world of post-college education, and the name might be surprising. In the fall of 2015, ISIS will begin attending career fairs around the country, helping place qualified candidates in what they call ‘entry level positions’.

Yes, today ISIS made an announcement from its desert cave campus, detailing its plans to help the youth of America. “In a word, ISIS is impervious to economic decline. The market may fluctuate, but pillaging is an isolated business, and always provides a stable income. Couple that with our high employee turnover rate, and we’re always looking to hire new talent.” When asked about the ‘turnover rate’, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi claimed that it was because of employees ‘moving on’, but would not list which companies they had been placed with because of confidentiality.

Specifically, ISIS will be looking for candidates with “strong work ethic, leadership capabilities, and the basic strength required to lift an AK-47 to shoulder height.” Their benefits package consists of an all you can pillage policy from Allstate, which allows employees to utilize family heirlooms and other plunder as forms of co-pay. Some might be skeptical of ISIS stepping in to help our kids, but hey, at least their hiring!

What are your thoughts on ISIS as a post-college career? Let us know in the comments below, and on Facebook/Twitter. Be sure to follow us, so that you never miss an article, and tell your friends, because knowledge is power.

Want more articles about ISIS? We've got your back.
We speculate on ISIS's plans for Tunisia
ISIS Documentary Snubbed
ISIS to Host Children's Show

Seattle to Launch a Series of Attack Ads Against Portland

July 29, 2015 SEATTLE WA,  PATTISON CHRONICLE HEADQUARTERS

Seattle has been receiving a lot of negative press in the news lately. Whether it’s massive earthquakes hell-bent on destroying the city, basic violations of human rights by the police force, or massive rent spikes increasing gentrification to obscene levels, Seattle just can’t seem to catch a break. In the wake of the negative PR, Mayor Ed Murray gave a speech this afternoon announcing a plan to steer Seattle back on the path to greatness. That plan involves running a series of attack ads against Seattle’s rival city of Portland Oregon.

Mayor Murray closed today’s historic speech with the line, “Seattle needs to be reminded of how great it truly is, and if the citizens can’t see that, they at least need to know that we’re better than Portland.” The city council then unveiled the designs for the billboards which will be put up all along the I-5 corridor from “Vancouver to Vancouver.” For those who are unaware, the second Vancouver is a small mistake of a town located just north of Portland.

The ad rollout will cost the city of Seattle close to 14 million dollars, but the city financial analysts claim that with the fistfuls of money that they’re making off property, “it just doesn’t really matter.”

Sadly accurate. You don't want to know what our new offices cost...

What do you think of the new ads? Should Portland be angry? Is there really a second Vancouver? Let us know in the comments below, or on Facebook, or on Twitter, or throw a brick through our window, we’re willing to throw down.

--Ashton Macaulay, Manager of The Pattison Chronicle, Recent Seattleite. 

Seattle to Provide New Form of Low Income Housing

July 20, 2015 SEATTLE WA

It’s no secret that Seattle’s rent prices have skyrocketed over the last year, driving many inhabitants to flee the city in search of less exorbitant rates (not looking at you Portland…) In the current conditions, a 450-foot studio with a  view of a piss-stained Chipotle in the greater Seattle area runs around $1,200 a month. If this seems a little steep, don’t panic, because Seattle has a plan for you!

Artist's rendering of new Low Income Housing Units

The Seattle Housing and Industry Tribunal recently announced that they would be creating a series of low-income developments in the University District as well as Downtown. These units will provide smaller than average living conditions, with fewer amenities, but will only charge $700 a month. “The units will be sparse, but will provide affordable and stylish housing to those who really need it,” says Richard Whole, head of the Functional Underpass initiative. Through use of minimal state funds, the initiative hopes to be up and running in the next six months.

You've seen the floor-plans and images of the proposed units. What do you think? Does this help alleviate the massive rent problem Seattle has been facing? The Pattison Chronicle says yes!

--Ashton Macaulay, 899/month Income Reduced Rent Payer, B

ox Domicile Inhabitant

"The Big One" or "The Big Hoax?"

JULY 14, 2015 USGS [POPULAR KIDS]

He may look cute, but he wants to bury you, and your
heathen belief system.

If you’ve been on the internet this week, you’ve no doubt noticed that it has become impossible to browse cat videos without stumbling across the New Yorker article about “The Big One”. If you are unfamiliar, “The Big One” refers to a massive earthquake that will wipe out the entire west coast, similar to the documentary San Andreas. Earthquakes might seem like a real threat, but in truth, they are masking a danger that the scientific community has turned a blind eye to for centuries. I’m talking of course about the mole people branch of Al Qaeda.

Recent information from our highly trained geology majors has uncovered that a series of tremors in the Seattle area might not be the result of tectonic shifting. “If you look at the maps, it just doesn’t add up. Tectonic shifts should cause the plates to move in a horizontal-like fashion, but what we’re seeing is something far more dangerous. In short, there is no explanation other than Terrorist Mole Men.”

These Terrorist Mole Men (TMM for short), were originally part of Al Qaeda, but were thrown out because they were too extreme in their methods. They even briefly joined ISIS, but were kicked out after the Chile sinkhole incident. Ever since they have been digging tunnels beneath the West Coast in the hopes of eliminating the Seahawks (a moles natural predator). It may all seem a little far-fetched, but the science is there if you’re willing to look. If you examine that New Yorker article again, it has TMM written all over it…

--Ashton Macaulay, Conspiracy Theorist, Lover of Bill Murray, Killer of Gophers/Moles

Weatherman Loses His Shit

JULY 13, 2015 FUTURE SITE OF NORTH POLE, FLORIDA

This swirling vortex of death brought to you by Liberalism!

If you’ve been reading the headlines in the side of your Facebook feed (probably our most accurate news source) lately, then you may have noticed the abnormal amount of doomsday weather predictions. In the past two weeks, scientists have predicted mass extinction, mini-ice age, and a series of killer storms that will hydrate Californians to unprecedented levels (http://tinyurl.com/nm6kutv Mini Ice Age Link). With all of this unprecedented news, it’s no surprise that weathermen/women have begun to lose their shit.

Typically, meteorologists go on the air for about five minutes, speculate wildly about super-storms, and then go get drunk at the local bar. Unfortunately, recent scientific predictions about doomsday have put meteorologists under a lot of pressure to make more accurate guesses regarding extreme weather. FOX  news meteorologist Rick Reichmuth went on the air last night to announce that a storm of fireballs would wipe out the heathen state of Washington for their liberal sins, and was quoted as saying “It’s a long shot, but f*** it, we’re all dead anyway.”

The Pattison Chronicle does not put much stock in Reichmuth’s claims, but we will be selling lead-lined umbrellas at our Seattle branch starting July 25. Remember, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

--Ashton Macaulay, Wearer of Tinfoil Hats, Amateur Meteorologist, Future Igloo Owner

Has the Northwest’s Politeness Gone Too Far?

June 19th, 2015 SEATTLE WA?

Hey, I actually took this one! Shout out to Columbia Center.

The Northwest is a polite place. Sure, that’s why we all like it so much, but when does it go too far? Recently headlines have been covering the mind-bending shit-storm that is trying to merge in Seattle, but evidence of a much larger story has just become known. A Pattison Chronicle intern (who shall remain nameless so we can’t have their paystubs audited) unearthed a series of documents that call into question the very nature of Seattle’s existence. Specifically, Seattle isn’t an American city, it’s Canadian.

Well that was quick.

It all started in the winter of 1869 when Seattle was first officially incorporated (that’s a fact, we can use Wikipedia). Unfortunately, when the US survey man came through to congratulate the city on being officially recognized, no one stopped to correct him. Instead, citizens hung their heads awkwardly, and tried not to embarrass him any further. As a result, the US took a page out of Vladmir Putin’s book and annexed Canada.

Join the ranks of Chad Croeger and the Beliebers Kurt... I'm so sorry.

Not all is despair Seattle, at least now you have that indie edge that you’ve always wanted. Oh, and rest assured the US will be sanctioning imports, and the new border crossing on both edges of the city will help maintain that majestic traffic we have all come to know and love.

--Ashton Macaulay, Watcher on the Wall (Canadian Border) & Rememberer of the North

Seattle Turns to Piracy

June 16, 2015 SEATTLE WA

Stock image of Seattle to attract viewers...

A disturbing trend has taken hold in Seattle’s marine areas, as thousands of unemployed college graduates have forsaken the city’s high-rent hovels for the high seas. In the wake of the Amazon bubble (That’s right Bezos, it’s a goddamned bubble, just you wait), piracy has once again become a legitimate profession. With rent for a 10 square foot apartment being somewhere in the $1590/Month range, commandeering sailboats and plundering the Puget Sound has become an increasingly attractive option. We’ve included a five-step guide to figure out if your loved one might be making the jump to piracy.

1. Beard Activity

2. Presence of Weaponry

3. Sudden Boat Ownership

4. Why is the rum gone?

5. Monkeys

If your loved one fits any of these profiles, it’s time to consider giving the anti-piracy talk. We will soon be releasing a parenting guide to raising your child piracy free. It will be available for digital download, so that we can make some fucking money and return that boat we didn’t steal, and feed the monkey, and polish the swords, and buy more rum, and beard lube. Get off my back mom!

Good Mountain Bad Mountain: A Geologist's Guide

May 25, 2015, USGS LAB

Do you ever look out your window at that snow-covered mountain, that a high school science teacher once told you was a dormant volcano, and wonder? Well, if recent geological surveys are to be believed, that mountain is almost certainly going to erupt within the next 0 to 1,000,000 years! I know, it’s shocking for all of us, but volcano awareness is the first step to avoiding death by backyard incineration.

Believe it or not there was a geologist out on that mountain today and he confirmed that it was indeed a volcano, which puts you and your family at extreme risk for sudden lava death. Our researchers (they watched Volcano three times apiece, so you know they’re reliable), have put together a helpful guide for you and your family to raise volcano awareness. 

Remember, when in doubt, panic and donate all of your money to The Pattison Chronicle. Works 60% of the time, every time. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Lover of Volcanic Gods, Hawaii Avoidance Expert, Geologist?

Homeless Camp Out for Star Wars

May 4th, 2015, A MOVIE THEATER FAR FAR AWAY...

It’s May 4^th everyone, and you know what that means; this article is going to be about Star Wars. It appears a line for Star Wars: The Force Awakens has already formed outside a local Seattle theatre, but rather than plucky young nerds in full Jedi regalia inhabiting this shanty town of tents and lawn chairs, it’s the homeless.  

Artists rendering of the shantytown

Regal’s Northgate Cinema in Seattle has become a full-blown shantytown in the wake of a startling revelation by the homeless community. “Turns out if you buy a $15 ticket, you can just camp out on the side of the building until December.” That’s right; the homeless have turned Star Wars enthusiasm into a source of cheap rent. The regal manager says that he attempted to remove the homeless town after discovering their plan, but found the homeless had constructed a deflector shield powered by body odor and broken bottles. 

$18 for a movie ticket doesn't seem so bad anymore...

A spokesperson for the newly formed township said that they while they are a peaceful people, they are only days away from a fully operational battle-station with the power to drive away local business owners, and theoretically enact political policy change. This system has been contracted to former AT-AT designers for The Galactic Empire, and is described as "More powerful than you can possibly imagine."

You heard it here first. If you’re homeless, pre-order a ticket and you can camp outside regal for a year and it’s mostly socially acceptable! From all of us at The Pattison Chronicle, May the 4^th be with you, always (except for you George, you know what you did).

--Ashton Macaulay-Kenobi, Sith Political Campaign Manager, Jawa Rights Advocate, and Nerf-Herder

Interview With a Tow Orca

May 1, 2015 THE OCEAN, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL

For the final day of the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence, The Pattison Chronicle took to the streets (well, more like the ocean). Excerpts from the following may be disturbing to some of our readers who are averse to mind blowing, emotional, social commentary. You have been warned.

Our reporter Mac Turbine dawned a wetsuit and conducted the interview in the frigid waters of the Puget Sound, an area most Orca whales will not tread in. “It’s not surprising to see this happening. I mean when you have a community of people who are continually oppressed into menial work, eventually they will be subjugated.” he is referring to the tow orca industry [for reference: http://thepattisonchronicle.blogspot.com/2014/12/are-orca-whales-being-oppressed-by.html] “The ultrasonic wails coming from the ‘tap orca’ houses are not from pleasure, they are calls for help. No one wants to live this life, but what choice do we have?” When talking about the oppression it was unclear whether or not James (the orca wished to remain anonymous) was crying, or if he was moist from the ocean, but either way, we can assume some deep emotional pain.

In a final comment, James said “Fuck the Seattle Transit Authority; we’re not just animals for you to toy with and look down upon! Also, go to SeaWorld, that place is pretty great, and almost certainly doesn’t mistreat its animals. **”

As the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence ends, I want to remind you all that while the plight of the orca may pass from the limelight that does not mean it ceases to exist. We may have raised awareness by shedding light on this incident, but the real work has to be done by the people. Tell your friends, educate lawmakers, and stand up for orca abuse wherever you see it. I leave you with an inspirational quote from Pattison, the orca that inspired this fine paper: “It is not who I am, but what I do that defines me, now excuse me while I chase this tuna.”

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Subtlety, Bender of Minds, and Professional Humorist.

**The Pattison Chronicle is funded almost entirely by the SeaWorld Corporation of America. This most certainly does not (it does) influence what we choose to print (or which interviews we doctor).

Orca Prostitution in Downtown Seatte

Welcome to the second article for The Pattison Chronicle’s Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation Excellence (or WHORE for short, we fired that intern, but the logo was made). In this segment we will focus on an interview that was conducted in the field with a frequent “tap orca” user. The content of this interview is graphic and may be unsuitable for some of our younger readers (we have readers right?).

For those who just can't wait... PERVERTS!

DOWNTOWN SEATTLE, WA

In downtown Seattle, there are over a hundred “tap orca” stations in circulation, and the city is doing nothing about it. The police turn a blind eye to this sordid industry, and most of the public is blissfully unaware of its presence. An intern at the chronicle managed to land an interview with a frequent “tap orca” user, through superior ambush journalism techniques. The citizen declined to have her photo shown, but did consent to be interviewed. As such, we will refer to her as Jane Gottleib of 1045 45^th street, Seattle, WA (Please someone go find this woman!).

“I find that they provide better companionship than humans. Despite their stature, they really are gentle lovers.” The gentle nature she is referring to is of course achieved through repeated injections of mind-numbing drugs by the Seattle Transit Authority. When confronted with the this fact Jane had the following to say: “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If they can tow ferries I don’t see why they can’t work in this industry.”

"I just swipe my card and head over to the waterfront. It's painess..."

It is these kinds of attributions that have kept the orcas in servitude for decades. Help us end orca oppression today, by following The Pattison Chronicle*, and writing to your local transit authority to stop the use of Orca cards. Together we can end this injustice and start a new day for orcas everywhere.

This is a breach for help! 

--Ashton Macaulay, Whale Trainer, Senior Seaworld Trainer, Ferry Captain

*The Pattison Chronicle is a subsidiary of Seaworld International