Homeless Camp Out for Star Wars

May 4th, 2015, A MOVIE THEATER FAR FAR AWAY...

It’s May 4^th everyone, and you know what that means; this article is going to be about Star Wars. It appears a line for Star Wars: The Force Awakens has already formed outside a local Seattle theatre, but rather than plucky young nerds in full Jedi regalia inhabiting this shanty town of tents and lawn chairs, it’s the homeless.  

Artists rendering of the shantytown

Regal’s Northgate Cinema in Seattle has become a full-blown shantytown in the wake of a startling revelation by the homeless community. “Turns out if you buy a $15 ticket, you can just camp out on the side of the building until December.” That’s right; the homeless have turned Star Wars enthusiasm into a source of cheap rent. The regal manager says that he attempted to remove the homeless town after discovering their plan, but found the homeless had constructed a deflector shield powered by body odor and broken bottles. 

$18 for a movie ticket doesn't seem so bad anymore...

A spokesperson for the newly formed township said that they while they are a peaceful people, they are only days away from a fully operational battle-station with the power to drive away local business owners, and theoretically enact political policy change. This system has been contracted to former AT-AT designers for The Galactic Empire, and is described as "More powerful than you can possibly imagine."

You heard it here first. If you’re homeless, pre-order a ticket and you can camp outside regal for a year and it’s mostly socially acceptable! From all of us at The Pattison Chronicle, May the 4^th be with you, always (except for you George, you know what you did).

--Ashton Macaulay-Kenobi, Sith Political Campaign Manager, Jawa Rights Advocate, and Nerf-Herder

ISIS Invades Tunisian City

MARCH 25^th 2015, SOMEWHERE IN THE DESERT

Tunisia, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, or Middle Eastern country? Damn you Obi Wan!

Yesterday ISIS fighters took hold of the Tunisian town of Tataouine (we may have spelled that wrong, but fact checking isn’t in the budget, either way, the sentiment behind that amazing opening line is true). The terrorist organization has yet to reveal their plans with holding this desert ‘paradise’ (it’s pronounced shithole), but our experts at The Pattison Chronicle have already begun to speculate. In this article we will share with you the two prevailing opinions of our staff.

1. ISIS plans to create an all-Middle-Eastern Star Wars reboot

Why? As much as ISIS may be pretty good at taking out small encampments, towns, military facilities, and pretty much everything else, they do have a budget crisis. Creating a new Middle Eastern version of Star Wars could boost their revenue stream and do wonders for their public image, which at the moment is mostly scary and death threaty.

Who? J.J. Abrams

God damnit, let me get my wallet for tickets...

The director has been relatively silent on the matter, but we can only assume that he’ll be back to direct this installment.

What will be the focus? We would guess that this retelling would paint The Empire in a more positive light, putting emphasis on the infrastructure and goodwill fostered by mass destruction and blind obedience.

2. ISIS is building a Death Star

It does look pretty terroristy

This is the more probable of the two theories. The first thing ISIS fighters were spotted doing was combing the desert, searching for an item that no news team has been able to identify… Until now. We suspect that they are searching for the long lost plans hidden away inside the R2 unit from A New Hope. We can only hope that those droids got out in time, as a space station the size of a small moon with the power to destroy entire worlds could be mildly dangerous in the hands of an organization like ISIS. On the bright side it’s probably going to take them at least ten years to build it, and we can hope for an exhaust port for poorly trained, Cuban, CIA operatives to exploit.

We’ll have more on this as it develops…

--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Desert Correspondent, Jawa Rights Activist, & Knower of Country Locations.