Man Can’t Marry Dog Under New Gay Marriage Laws

April 21, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH

Alabama recently became one of the many states to embrace (not really, but let us throw them a bone (that pun gets funnier in a minute)) gay marriage as a legal institution. Most of the state is still rioting about the injustice of it all, but one man is upset for a different reason. Clement Harold feels like he was blatantly misled by anti-gay marriage campaigns put forth by the Alabama sect of The Disciples of Christ (that’s a real organization).

“I was told that if gay marriage was passed a man would be able to marry his dog soon after. Well its two months later and me and Precious can’t even have a civil union! The injustice of it all makes me sick. She’s already 7 and doesn’t have too many good years left. I don’t know how much longer we can wait.” Clement is suing the Disciples of Christ for 7 million dollars in emotional damages, which he hopes to use to fund Precious’s dream wedding.

Precious was asked to comment and had the following to say: *woof, woof, WOOF, empty stare, vacantly licking lips, shitting on the grass* It’s very clear that the Pomeranian has no intention of leaving her beloved just to follow archaic laws put forth by a dystopian shadow government. The Pattison Chronicle will be holding a protest this following never, at it’s never happening o’clock in the evening. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Dog Linguist, Burier of Treasure, Sniffer of Garbage