April 18, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST
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| I'll give a prize to whichever reader can correctly identify this building. |
Today Nike is in the midst of a lawsuit after a felon
charged with 1st degree murder has claimed the company’s footwear is
responsible for his crime. In court this morning the defendant had the following
to say: “I was just going to go for a run, but then the tag on my shoe said ‘just
do it’, and so I did. I just did it, and someone needs to pay!” The defendant is
accused of murdering a man in cold blood after he took the last meatball sub at
a company picnic where the only other options were ham and turkey (we might
have murdered for that too).
Nike released the following statement: “As of today we will
be changing our slogan to: Just do it.*” The asterisk will refer to a long list
of illegal deeds that should not ‘just be done’. The defendant is expected to
be acquitted of all charges, as that’s just the kind of country we live in. We’ll
have more on this as it develops.
--Ashton Macaulay, Avian Criminal Investigator
, Attorney for Bird Law, & Vigilante?
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