SEATTLE RUNNING AN ORCA SEX-SLAVE RING

April 27, 2015, SEATTLE, WA [HOTBED OF SIN]

Many of you will recall the exposé The Pattison Chronicle ran a few months back detailing the atrocities perpetrated by the Vancouver BC ferry companies against orca whales. If you need a refresher, or just want to support the cause, you can re-read the article here: http://thepattisonchronicle.blogspot.com/2014/12/are-orca-whales-being-oppressed-by.html. While many of us thought that the orca slavery industry had fallen on hard times (probably as a direct result of our staff harassing ferry captains), a recent excursion into Seattle has proved otherwise.

Will the exploitation ever end?

It was a typical Saturday night, walking home, the Mariners had lost, and everything seemed normal, until I came across this sign:

Notice how the orca's dorsal fin is erect to indicate arousal. Sick bastards.

At first glance, it might appear to be only a transportation system whimsically themed after one of nature’s most powerful and awe-inspiring creatures, but in truth, it is something far more sinister. The sign reads “Tap Orca Here”. The Seattle Transit Authority will argue that tapping an “Orca Card” will merely result in payment for transportation. Unfortunately, this is not the case. The sign is a simple invitation to those who wish to find companionship in the form of an orca. “Tap Orcas” or simply Prostitorcas as they are commonly known, are majestic beasts that can be rented out for pennies using an “Orca Card” and used for nefarious sexual purposes.

Artwork indicating an orca brothel is nearby. Photo Credit: Citizen Journalist in Training, Shaun del Rosario

We reached out to the Seattle Transit Authority for a statement, but all we received was a form letter stating that our claims were both “frivolous” and “childish”. If our accusations are so childish, why hide? The evidence is piling up surrounding this shadow organization, and the ice is close to breaking. In the next month, The Pattison Chronicle will be releasing several articles detailing the injustices occurring in the name of public transportation in the heart of Seattle. So stay tuned, tell your friends, and for the love of God subscribe. Our egos cannot be maintained on hubris alone. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Protector of Porpoises, Vigilante Journalist