Man Loses Battle with Tech Support

AUGUST 25TH, SEATTLE, WA

Sad news today as it appears that local Seattleite Randy Craig has lost the battle with tech support. Doctors arrived at the Craig residence this morning to find Randy dead, and still listening to the customer support hold music. The King County coroner’s office has ruled the death accidental, as no one at the customer support hotline actually knew that Randy was on hold.

The incident began when Randy called tech support after recently updating his computer. The call log shows that he went through 53 automated menus, and was transferred a total of 10 times, before he was put on hold for 3 days. “We can’t be sure what killed him in the end, but signs point to the holding music.” The music shifts every three minutes to give the customer the illusion that something is changing on the other end. Mr. Craig called from a cellular phone, which allowed him to be exposed to the music for the entire duration of the call (over 36 hours) “Hold music toxicity levels tend to peak around 3 hours. It’s a miracle he lasted as long as he did.”

Humorous image of our non-existent tech support team inserted to break up an otherwise dark article.  

 Doctors are urging the public to exercise safe tech support habits. You can find a promotional poster below that shows how to stay safe while waiting on hold.

Financial: ISIS to Attend College Career Fair

It’s no secret that finding a job for qualified, young college graduates is a difficult task in the current economy. Employers are looking for candidates with experience, and unfortunately, our higher education system just doesn’t provide it. Well, for all those fresh-faced graduates, there is one organization that has their back in the cutthroat world of post-college education, and the name might be surprising. In the fall of 2015, ISIS will begin attending career fairs around the country, helping place qualified candidates in what they call ‘entry level positions’.

Yes, today ISIS made an announcement from its desert cave campus, detailing its plans to help the youth of America. “In a word, ISIS is impervious to economic decline. The market may fluctuate, but pillaging is an isolated business, and always provides a stable income. Couple that with our high employee turnover rate, and we’re always looking to hire new talent.” When asked about the ‘turnover rate’, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi claimed that it was because of employees ‘moving on’, but would not list which companies they had been placed with because of confidentiality.

Specifically, ISIS will be looking for candidates with “strong work ethic, leadership capabilities, and the basic strength required to lift an AK-47 to shoulder height.” Their benefits package consists of an all you can pillage policy from Allstate, which allows employees to utilize family heirlooms and other plunder as forms of co-pay. Some might be skeptical of ISIS stepping in to help our kids, but hey, at least their hiring!

What are your thoughts on ISIS as a post-college career? Let us know in the comments below, and on Facebook/Twitter. Be sure to follow us, so that you never miss an article, and tell your friends, because knowledge is power.

Want more articles about ISIS? We've got your back.
We speculate on ISIS's plans for Tunisia
ISIS Documentary Snubbed
ISIS to Host Children's Show

Can You Tell the Difference Between a Millennial and a Cat?

I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately talking about the Millennial working population, or lack thereof. The gist is that Millennials don’t want to work hard, but still want to have shit loads of cash just thrown at them (so far this is all true, let’s break with reality). Throughout these readings, a singular thought occurred to me: “When behind a black curtain, could I tell the difference between a Millennial and a cat?”  The result has led me to the following quiz. Please take it, and post your amount of correct answers on social media and in the comments below. I will legitimately make this into a graph.

Yes Toby, we understand that you need sleep, but The Pattison Chronicle does not tolerate failure. 

MILLENNIAL

Rhapsody contributes nothing to society other than the occasional hairball...

CAT

 Honestly I've experienced this one from both...

MILLENNICAT

Professional development requires opposable thumbs.

MILLENNIAL

Remember to post your results and share this quiz with your friends. Maybe we could pay Millennials in wet food?

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Is your child on drugs or an alien?

Have you been noticing something different about your teen as of late? Are they exhibiting mood swings, irrational behavior, and/or changing in appearance? Some so called ‘experts’ might try and tell you that this is a normal part of development, but the reality is far more dramatic. Here at The Pattison Chronicle we employ a talented team of parenting scientists (they don’t pay me, and I have no training), and they tell us that all of these symptoms point to one of two issues: Hard Drugs or Alien Abduction/Probing. We’ve created an easy to follow guide to help tell what’s wrong with your teen, because there’s not a chance in hell that it’s normal development.

I hope that this guide has helped you identify the problems that your teen is facing. Rather than providing advice or helpful tips on how to deal with these issues, we’ll leave you with this message: PANIC! Clearly, your child is messed up, and no one else is having the same problems.

For more helpful tips, political guides, and general nonsense, subscribe to The Pattison Chronicle. Follow us on

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Obama Moves Legislative Branch to Nearby Park

August 10^th, 2015 WASHINGTON D.C.

The world’s focus over the past few days has been on the beautiful train wreck that is the Republican Party (hey, we all have to take cheap shots sometimes). With all of the spectacle, it’s almost hard to imagine that there is anything else worthy of note going on in the realm of politics (voting rights, pentagon hacks, Syrian Death Star; two out of the three are true), but a new corruption scandal is brewing in the White House. President Obama is nearing the end of his term and has decided to throw caution to the wind and make some extreme changes to the political system.

The biggest of these shifts is a restructuring of the legislative system. Rather than wiping away the filibustering and long nights of arguments with paid dinners, The President has opted for a more elegant solution. Both The Senate and Congress will be relocated from The Capitol Building to a large sandbox in a neighboring park. When asked for comment President Obama said, “If they’re going to act like children, they’re going to get treated like children.” The change went into effect this morning, and already Senator Mitch McConnell is complaining that the other political figures are picking on him, and that his lunch has been buried in sand.

There’s no way to tell if this radical solution will work, but it certainly can’t hinder the broken system. The President has assured the public that both Senators and Congressmen alike will receive juice boxes for each bipartisan bill they manage to get passed to his desk. “They already tried to pass a bill to remove them from the sandbox, but that’s what vetoes are for,” Obama said, chuckling at his press conference this afternoon.

What do you think of the radical change? Is it enough to stop the stagnation in our system? Connect with us on social media and share your thoughts!

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FOX Skirts the Issues in First Debate

CLEVELAND, OH

The first republican debate was held on FOX News last night (Jesus, that hurts), and for the most part it was what people expected. Ten republican candidates went head-to-head in an arena-style death match, and the American public got mildly excited, but mostly confused. In all the spectacle it was hard to notice some of the major issues that the moderators passed over in this crucial debate. The Pattison Chronicle has made a list of questions that we think should have been discussed last night. If you like our suggestions,, make sure to Tweet them during the next debate so that we can keep the American public informed about who they’re voting for.

What is your favorite color?

Historically, this has been a hallmark of the debate in which candidates flounder and eventually answer a three-way tie between red, white, and blue. While there are still more debates to come (our political analysts say about a million), it appears that this trying question will go unanswered. As a result, The Pattison Chronicle has no choice but to wildly speculate about republican front-runner Donald Trump.

Where do you stand on the extradition of feline-hating dental workers?

I think we all know that this is a very important question, and one of the most pressing issues in the nation to date. In the wake of all the malpractice suits in feline dentistry, it is crucial to address this issue in the public forum. We must say “No more!” to amateur feline dentists, and instead increase state funding for professional veterinary dental schooling.

 Some off-the-wall question from a Millennial who thought they were tweeting to a reality TV show.

It was a shocking disappointment to find that the debate moderators actually screened their Twitter questions this year. I for one would have liked to know the answer to “Who’s going to win this season?” and “Which of the candidates is the hottest?” Without the answers to these hard-hitting questions, I’m not even sure I’m going to be able to participate in voting (it’s hard guys). For our money, the hottest candidate has to be Jeb Bush (see artist rendering below).

What did you think of last night’s debate? Were there any questions you would have liked to see that we missed? Let us know in the comments on Facebook and Twitter. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Piss-Poor Photoshop Artist, Future Pirate (When Rent Comes Up)

Guide to Creating Info Graphics

Pattison Chronicle Headquarters SEATTLE, WA. With the political season quickly approaching, we are all about to be bombarded by infographics. Candidates will want to express their plans for the U.S. in a colorful format that really says nothing, but makes readers feel like they might have learned something. In celebration of this hellish political race that we’re already pissed about, here’s a guide to how you can create your own info graphics!

Step 1. Pick a number. It can be any number really, but all good info graphics start with an arbitrary number. Be sure to bold all numbers and words you like in your graphic.

Step 2. Pick two colors, one for text, and one for graphics. These colors should be primary colors, but in a dimmer tone to make the graphic look professional.

Step 3. Relate the initial number to another arbitrary concept that shares some common characteristic and add silhouetted graphics for emphasis.

Step 4. Repeat Step 3 two to five more times.

Step 5. End with a call to action, or a fact that ties it all together.

Well done! You’ve just created an info graphic! Share it with us, share it with your friends, and send it to your mother to show her how smart you are. We will re-post the best info graphics on our many pages, so submit you sheeple!