Top 5 Star Wars SPOILERS!!!!

Alright, there’s no other way to go about this, Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be available for the public tonight. Fortunately, The Pattison Chronicle staff was invited to a special pre-screening last night, and rather than having to wait a day, we’ve decided to give you a list of our top five spoilers for the upcoming movie. So buckle up, and prepare for education, because you’re going to learn something today.

1. There’s Full Frontal Han

Look at that tasteful leather.

Remember Slave Leia? Well it looks like Disney is doing away with traditional gender roles, and in a bold move included a scene with Han fully nude, to embrace the character’s vulnerability. It is done in a tasteful shot with Han’s decrepit manhood being silhouetted against Tatooine’s twin suns while Binary Sunset plays in the background. Way to be bold Disney.

2. Pod Racing is Back

Sorry lil Annie, just no.

J.J. Abrams was tight lipped about the plot to The Force Awakens for a reason. The bulk of this movie involves Han being rescued from the clutches of the Hutts (see Spoiler #1) after a deal goes sour. Luke has to come out of retirement (from being a Jedi badass), and must channel his father to win a series of increasingly dangerous pod races for Han’s freedom. This all culminates with a cameo by Sebulba, who you guessed it, is still the king of racing. It was a nice nod to the original trilogy (I, II, and III), and will surely please fans.

3. All of the Main Characters are CG

Don't tell anyone we handicammed the premier...

In a surprising turn of events, the film looks remarkably different from its trailers. While audiences will be expecting an archaic clutter of practical effects and hard labor, they will be pleasantly surprised with an Avatar-esque computer generated masterpiece. All of the characters are rendered in gorgeous 1080p, looking even realer than the real thing.

4. Finn and Rey are only cameo characters

Remember all those trailers that focused on the “new generation” of Star Wars? Turns out it was all a red herring. The only scene these new characters are featured in is an initial chase that sets up Han’s capture. It seems that J.J. has really learned his lesson about revealing too many casting details ahead of a movie’s release. Got me good Abrams, got me good.

5. That end credits scene

Summer 2017

There has been a lot of buzz about Episode 8’s plot and who’s going to be directing it. With all of the changes in script and directors, the film’s future was uncertain, until now. After the credits roll, we are treated to a cameo by Vin Diesel as he pulls up in Anakin’s old pod racer (10 second pod), and challenges Luke to a race. This is followed by the title Star Wars Episode VIII: The Fast Awakens. Following the news, director Justin Lin has also come out and said that he will be directing the eighth installment in the franchise.

--Ashton Macaulay, Man Who's Been in Line for a Year, Alderaan Enthusiast, First Order General

Large Snowfall Brings Threat of Immigration

December 9, 2015 MOUNT RAINIER NATIONAL PARK, WASHINGTON

Over the past week, intense weather patterns have led to over 15 feet of snow accumulating on Mount Rainer. Skiers and snowboarders have been rejoicing at the potential of a year where they might actually be able to visit the mountain, and children have begun planning tubing trips into the foothills. All in all, it looks to be a good year for business owners, with record snowfall, bringing in droves of rich dentists (or whoever the hell can afford to ski). However, not all is well. With the snow totals increasing to record levels, some concerned government officials have begun to warn of an imminent danger. Global warming may be the delusional popular threat to campaign about this year, but with rapid (but natural) climate change, the one thing we clearly have to worry about is yeti immigration.

With the foothills of Rainier looking more and more like the base of the alps every day, immigrants will soon be pouring in by the thousands. Already the Swiss Matterhorn has noticed a drop in their yeti population, and it will not be long before they are on our doorstep. To be clear, this is not condemning yetis as a population, but in order to better protect the safety of this great country, many government officials are calling for a straight ban on visas for yetis, just until the situation can be figured out.

Presidential frontrunner Donald Trump spoke on the matter yesterday stating: “Without looking at the various polling data, it is obvious to anybody the hatred is beyond comprehension [speaking on the tendency for yetis to maul mountain climbers when their territory is encroached upon.] Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by yetis that believe only in Snowhad [a yeti word for holy war against those who climb mountains in bright jackets], and have no sense of reason or respect for human life.”

Yetis have a strong cultural history of violence (as evidenced by the two or three that keep attacking people), and are a menace on every mountain that they inhabit. A group of cultural psychologists (liberals) are currently trying to advocate unsuccessfully to retain the open border policy that the United States has maintained with yetis for many years. “Our native sasquatch was once an immigrant too, and look at the economic boom he’s brought local wood carvers and the History Channel. By locking these creatures out of our country, we’re doing ourselves and the nation a great disservice,” said Dr. Renee Pollicker in an address to the Washington State legislative office this morning. She also sighted evidence of hikers stories about sharing picnics with the large ape, and the creature’s primarily docile nature.

Unfortunately, the lives of those in our country can’t be put at risk based on the good behavior of one member of the species. The only sensible solution is to keep all of the yetis out, until proper relocation services are available. Senator Mitch McConnell has already put forth a bill in the senate which will help set up relocation sites where yetis can live without bothering the area’s local inhabitants. He has also stated that to help save the country’s budget (that’s right liberals, we’re not made of money), the camps will be built with leftover, recycled pieces of the U.S.-Mexico border wall.

For more information on yeti immigration and other hot political issues, keep it tuned to The Pattison Chronicle. Make sure to tweet your support for the #NotMyMountain campaign, and write to your local congressperson.

-Ashton Macaulay, Skier, Middle-Class American, and Raging Liberal 

Electric Car Motors Linked to Increased Gun Violence

DECEMBER 2 2015, PATTISON HEADQUARTERS, REDMOND WASHINGTON

First, let me say that it’s been a while, and that we are truly sorry for our absence. There is no doubt that your minds have gone to mush without the sultry sweet tunes of our hard facts to rock out to. Fear not, we are back, and with a hell of a story to boot. What forced us off of the white sand beaches of Curacao, away from the drunken acrobatic monkeys and whiskey fueled tropical parties? The answer is simple; the liberals are at it again…

Over the past few weeks the Hilary/Bernie/Obama (pick a damned candidate) propaganda machine has been spinning lies aimed at taking down the gun industry (sorry that you didn’t buy stock in Winchester). In an attempt to drive attention away from the clear presidential frontrunner King Donald Trump, the left wing media has seen fit to drum up a bunch of negative publicity for America’s favorite pastime guns.

Let us start by saying yes, the incidents occurring over the past few weeks have been terrible, but the lax regulations in the firearm industry are not to blame. While the liberals would have you believe that a couple of homicidal zealots gunned down people as a result of misinformation and misguided rage, it is simply not true. The answer is actually quite a simple one: Magnetic radiation from Tesla’s new electric cars is cooking perfectly sane minds and turning them into killing machines.

A top scientist at The Pattison’s privately funded Dartmouth University Minneapolis Branch published a paper earlier this week that has been all but ignored in the media. In this paper he writes “Due to the magnetic nature of the electric car’s battery, dangerous waves and particles have been leaking into the atmosphere and producing brain damage.” He goes on to provide test results from a sample of three homeless, white, males between the ages of 18 and 25, who all experienced unusual thoughts when sat next to a Tesla motor vehicle for over an hour. The paper ends with a stirring call to action “If we cannot stop these inventions of death from finding their ways into the hands of our citizens, then we as a nation are doomed. Buy Ford, and remember, oil has never been greener.”

*Note that all correlations are spurious and as such should be taken extremely serious.

Protestors have already begun to accumulate outside Nikola Tesla’s house in Croatia, to request a halt on all manufacturing of future products. Unfortunately, the company has no ties to Nikola, but the hearts of the angry mob are in the right place, and for that, we give them the Pattison Seal of Approval. Remember, the key to change is activism. If you feel that you have been inadvertently coerced into murder, arson, public indecency or other criminal behavior while within a fifty-mile radius of a Tesla vehicle, tell the world. Ignorance is the sickness that plagues a weak nation, and we can be stronger than that. Put your foot in the way of progress and say “Enough is enough!”

The Pattison Chronicle will be returning to a semi-regular posting schedule, to avoid any further international or domestic conflicts. Keep checking our website, share our knowledge with your friends, and remember to follow us on Facebook and Twitter.

Ashton Macaulay, Sparker of Ill-Conceived Protest Movements & Chief Executive Editor/Writer/Photoshopper  

Pumpkins Found to be Highly Intelligent

October 27th, SPOOKY FOREST, SEATTLE

Earlier this morning a group of fringe botanists revealed the results of a ten year longitudinal study regarding the intellectual capacity of holiday squashes. In a press conference this morning, Dr. Jack Olantern (he legally changed it, because botany), said the following: "After many years of study, it is now clear that pumpkins are among some of the most highly intelligent creatures on this planet. While we are not able to classify them into a species at this time, we can assure you that they are living, and possibly more intelligent than we are."

This sent a shock wave through the scientific community, with most calling the research preposterous and unfounded, but a few lovable drunkards calling it revolutionary. The research is based off of the findings that pumpkins are able to display a wide range of emotions through a process known as "carving". A pumpkin will only express one emotion in it's lifetime, making them a deep, intellectual race. Pop psychologists have already begun examining an emotional attachment style that involves only showing one expression to one's partner over a lifetime. Early results are promising, and will likely be published in the prestigious journal of Cosmo in the coming months.

The study was conducted with a representative group of both white and orange colored pumpkins, with diameters between 20-45 centimeters. While no replications have been run, the scientists are highly confident that future naturalistic observation will yield similar results. In the meantime, PETA has already begun protesting the grotesque treatment of the pumpkin species, and will likely be holding rallies to interrupt traditional Halloween shenanigans, as well as what may now be the monstrosity of pumpkin spice lattes.

Empire Contractors Union Reveals New Death Star Design

October 19th, DEATH STAR, ALDERAAN DUST CLOUD

First Order troops gather for the christening of Star Killer Base

In a bold move on Sunday afternoon, The First Order (formerly The Galactic Empire), unveiled its plans for the newest in a short line of planet-destroying space stations. Simply titled Star Killer (the budget went to giant death lasers), this hulking behemoth is very similar to previous designs built by The Empire, and it's leaving some with a lack of faith that First Order chief advisers find to be disturbing. Mainly, concerns are coming over a massive trench that runs across the entire mid section of the space station, and is wide enough for a star destroyer to cross through comfortably. Many will remember the downfall of the previous death stars being trench related, and as such, this design is raising more than a few eye brows.

First Order commanders have already spoke out to the indestructible nature of Star Killer Base, saying that the trench is guarded by a nearly impenetrable force field, as well as squadrons of tie fighters, described as highly trained in marksmanship (a skill that they usually struggle with). However, hourly employed storm troopers have expressed deep hesitation with a lack of safety aboard the craft. This stems from the fact that it is built by the same set of contractors as the original two, mostly due to union rights, and that the aesthetic look is nearly identical. "It's just hard to feel safe when it looks so similar to the first two. Our life benefits aren't that great, and I've got a rancor fighting debt with the Hutts that needs to be paid, or my family is at risk," said a infantry storm trooper, who asked to remain nameless.

The contracting company is head up by former Pod Racer Ody Mandrell, who started the business after the lucrative racing scene became defunct following the Clone Wars. In a statement made to the public, he assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about, and that while the aesthetic is similar, the larger trench makes it more difficult to locate weak spots. His contracting company was recently plagued by controversy for the faulty design of the AT-AT unit, once again leading to the deaths of hundreds of imperial pilots. No word yet, on whether or not these units will be recalled from the battlefront.

For more breaking news from the galaxy far far away keep reading The Pattison Chronicle. Make sure to help our news spread by sharing stories you like on Facebook and Twitter.

--Ashton Macaulay, Chief E


ditor, Womp Rat Skeet Enthusiast,  and Empirial Architecture Skepticist

Whole Foods Scandal

The granola-based grocery chain Whole Foods is under fire today as one of its most popular items has been misleading customers. The custom-branded Himalayan Llama Milk was recently tested by a group of dissatisfied scientists, and found to contain gluten, animal cruelty, and GMOs. This comes on the wake of another scandal where Whole Foods was accused of cutting gluten free bread with regular whole wheat to create dependency, and save on cost.

“It’s just impossible to trust them anymore. I’ll just have to go local for my Himalayan llama milk from now on,” said a disgruntled customer wearing two pairs of thick rimmed glasses and a fedora knit by the homeless, who claimed to enjoy the product. For those who are unfamiliar, Himalayan llama milk is prized for the altitude at which it is collected, with Sherpas swearing by its mystical healing powers. Whole Foods claims that these llamas are kept on secret farms deep within the mountains, to assure that the animals do not feel any public shame for debasing themselves to fill cereal bowls made of re-claimed oak trees.

The group of rogue scientists calling themselves Activists to Stymie Subterfuge (ASS), have vowed to test the entire Whole Foods catalog, and publish their results online. Farmer’s markets and roadside fruit stands are set to see an economic boom as consumer trust in the Whole Foods brand has already dropped by over 75%. Be sure to join the fight against Whole Foods on social media by using the hashtag #ForLlamasSake. Share your thoughts with us on Facebook and Twitter as well!

Guide to Creating Political Arguments

There's been a lot of buzz the past few days over a chart presented by anti-abortion representative Jason Chaffetz (See Chart Here). We here at The Pattison Chronicle didn't think it was fair for highly trained political obfuscators to have a leg-up on our readers, so we've put together another one of our world famous guides to help you understand. Behold:

THE PATTISON CHRONICLE GUIDE TO CREATING POLITICAL ARGUMENTS

Step 1: 

Pick the point you want to make. For our purposes we will be using the point that Justin Bieber has lead to the systematic destruction of the American way of life (you could really pick anyone for this).

Step 2: 

Link something to your point that helps strengthen your cause. This can be done with spurious correlations, unrelated factoids, or just plain lying. For our example, Justin Bieber is the same height as Hitler (100% True), would you let hitler sing to your kids?

Step 3:

Present your findings in a seemingly meaninful fashion. Here we have included a graph correlating attacks by ISIS with Justin Bieber record sales.

Step 4: 

Vehemently defend your point even in the face of overwhelming evidence against it. This part is key, as if you don't, people will think you are stupid.

That's it, you should have all you need to create your own ludicrous argument, and piss off your neighbors. Remember, stick to your point, and never surrender to logic! Be sure to share any campaigns that you create using our system with us on Facebook and Twitter. Without you we're just alone in a studio apartment with a cat (our headquarters), and that's no way to live. 

New Republican Candidate Sweeps the Field

It would appear that another republican candidate has entered the ever growing field for the 2016 presidential race. On Friday morning a male silverback gorilla named Bobo announced his campaign to a crowd of zookeepers in Michigan. While his candidacy may come as a surprise to some, the zookeepers had been expecting the political move for months, saying: “He’s always been a self-starter with a keen eye for economic growth. If it weren’t for him, we would have never developed our banana re-distribution program.” Bobo referred to this as trickle down bananomics, a system in which the alpha male gets all the bananas, and after he has had his share, allows the remains to be distributed to the rest of the troop.

"Washington needs it's alpha." - Bobo the Gorilla

Bobo the gorilla will be running on a platform of fiscal conservatism, focusing on the fact that he is a Washington outsider, who has never held public office. A spokesperson for Bobo’s campaign said that he is attempting to distance himself from the rest of the field by providing a strong option, without the spectacle that has become the norm. “His plan for the economy is simple. A banana in every pocket makes the world go round. The United States will invest heavily in banana plantations, and through the process create renewable jobs, and sustainable agriculture.”

Bobo as a Washington Outsider

Bobo has only been in the race for a short 3 hours, but already he is polling at the top of the GOP field, pulling most of the supporters from Donald Trump. Voters are claiming that he’s the answer to a broken system, and that the only way to truly shift the mind of the elite is to enact change. “It’s almost like he’s a different species of politician,” said a man in a crowd of Bobo supporters at the Michigan zoo today. There is still no word on how Bobo plans to hit the campaign trail, but we will keep you updated as more information is released.

"A different species of politician." - Bobo Supporter

We’ll have more on Bobo’s campaign as we get closer to the 2016 election. Until then, make sure you support his candidacy on social media with #Bobo2016 #BananasForBobo.

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Fallmageddon

Perfect place for death by selfie

September 23^rd marks the end of summer, and the beginning of fall. For most people this is a time of preparation, stocking up for winter and preparing for hibernation (is that humans or bears? I can never remember). However, this fall is not going to be ordinary. If our meteorologists at The Pattison Chronicle Weather Center are correct (and we’re pretty sure they aren’t), we could be on the brink of one of the deadliest autumns in history.

Scientists are calling it Fallmageddon. With the popularity of dead tree leaves, “genuine” fall photos, and pumpkin spice lattes, we are almost certainly due for one of the most heavily hash tagged falls of all time. “First off, we’re going to be seeing a lot of tweet waves. Residents should prepare themselves by understanding that all social media channels will be clogged with photos of dead leaves and autumn themed Starbucks drinks,” warned Pattison Chronicle Meteorologist Pat Weatherman in a speech today which no one attended due to its lack of social media buzz. “If we’re not careful, social media won’t be able to dispense cat videos, and we could be looking at least a two-month drought.” A recent poll by Pattison scientists showed that without these cat videos, depression rates in the United States could skyrocket.

Many Bothans died to give us this information

The second threat we will be facing is what’s known as “Death by Selfie”. More and more teens (who are we kidding, the guy who died at the Taj Mahal was middle-aged), are perishing in the attempt to get that perfect picture. As fall rolls around, this will only continue to get worse. Drivers are urged to use extra caution in watching for pedestrians who might be trying to snap “genuine” pictures in the middle of the motorway. Pedestrians are asked to be on the lookout for motorists who might be trying to immortalize their Pumpkin Spice Latte, rather than attending to the road.

The Pattison Chronicle asks that you be safe this fall, and #Fallow our simple guide to help lower the autumn death toll. Be sure to tell us on Twitter and Facebook about your preparations for #Fallmageddon.

Amazon Prime Coming to Spaaaaace

In a press conference this morning, Amazon head Jeff Bezos announced that he had acquired land in Florida for construction of a rocket launch facility (I can’t actually believe it, but that part is true). What was unclear as of this morning’s announcement was what Amazon’s future plans for the facility were. However, in a brief tweet this afternoon, the company has given a little insight into what their intentions actually are: “Amazon Prime Space”.

That’s right; Amazon Prime is going to be offering two -day delivery to astronauts aboard the International Space Station (ISS). Beginning early next year, Amazon will begin sending test rockets to deliver supplies to the ISS, and afterward will ship a limited catalog on a regular basis.
The initial catalog will feature two flavors of Tang, dehydrated ice cream, and a slinky space experimentation kit.

What do you think of Amazon’s bold new direction? Let us know in the comments, on Facebook, and on Twitter. Also make sure to check out our article on Amazon's newest ground delivery service.

Apple’s new HC Robot Fails Turing Test

Apple, think differently, but similar to us.

For many years scientists have been arguing over whether or not true artificial intelligence (AI) can be achieved. The ultimate way to determine whether or not someone has completed this task is through what is called a Turing Test. This test involves a human operator conversing with a machine, and if they cannot tell whether or not the machine is indeed artificial, then it passes. A shocking leak today has revealed that Apple was conducting one of these tests right under the eyes of the American public.  Apple CEO Tim Cook took the stage to address the leak earlier today.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I say we have not achieved the milestone we were hoping for. While we have created a very lifelike, thinking machine, we fell short of our lofty goals. In the end, it just wasn’t human.” Tim Cook then proceeded to sweep aside a black curtain, and revealed presidential candidate Hilary Clinton, or the AppleHC for short.

How did we miss it?

Clinton has been dropping steadily in the polls ever since her opponent Bernie Sanders announced his intention to run. Her campaign has been criticized as cold and even robotic, which now makes all the more sense. “While the Apple HC may have failed the Turing Test, we have found that it makes for a great political advisor, and will still be bringing it to market at the end of the year.”

Other tech companies have been quick to criticize Apple’s big reveal with Amazon’s Jeff Bezos calling it “nothing more than a C-ticket Disneyland attraction.” Apple has also announced that they will be releasing a scaled down Apple HC-C (Hilary Clinton Cheap) model, which will launch with less foreign policy integration, but still contain the basic features.

 What do you think of Apple’s big reveal? Were you also underwhelmed? Let us know in the comments below, Facebook, and Twitter.

The Pattison Chronicle Interview Guide

Having trouble finding a job in the current economy? We here at The Pattison Chronicle think it’s a damned shame that qualified people such as our viewers (clearly the best people out there) can’t find jobs in their fields. As such, we’ve created a comprehensive five step guide on how to ace your first interview and get that dream job you’ve always wanted.

1. Hair

Hair Style, you don’t want to look like a dork walking into some corporate hotshot office. So here are the three acceptable hairstyles for interviewing that say “Hey, I’m conservative, but also an alpha male/female.” Remember that all of these cuts are unisex, because do you

2. Attire

The second is obviously clothing. In the job market you’re going to be going up against a bunch of conservatively dressed pencil pushers. Break the mold, and remember that tasteful sleeveless tees are the name of the game.

3. Be late

Show up late. This one should be a no-brainer, but oftentimes people are punctual for an interview, and nothing says NERD like timeliness. If your interview is at 10AM, show up at 11, or better yet, don’t show up at all. Tell your boss that you are in charge of scheduling, and that they shouldn’t be wasting your time with early meetings.

4. The Cat

Emphasize your cat. There isn’t a boss in the world who won’t be amazed by your ability to tame the unfettered beast that is a domesticated feline. Owning a cat shows that you are responsible, and akin to Tarzan when it comes to woodland survival. Don’t have a cat? Get one.

5. Eye Contact

When in doubt, don’t speak. Prolonged, aggravated eye contact is a surefire way to assert dominance in the workplace, and almost never comes across as creepy or weird. Hell, you’ll probably get promoted for being such a go-getter.

Just remember, you’re the best person for this job, and the interviewer should know that already. Realistically, the entire interview is riding on them, so you might as well relax and have a cold one. Be sure to share your success stories with us on Twitter, Facebook, and the comments below. Also remember that sharing is caring, and once you have a job, you should help your friends out by sharing this guide so that they don’t end up flipping burgers at Bank of America.

City of Seattle Funds Psychiatric Volcanology

September 8th, 2015 SEATTLE, WA

Seattle, city of rain, passive-aggressive homeless, and of course, a massive volcano waiting to kill us all. For anyone who has not read our article on volcano awareness, allow me to give you a quick recap: When Mount Rainer finally decides it’s had enough, we’re all done for. Luckily, the Seattle City Council has opted to do something about it, because for obvious reasons, volcanoes are the city’s number one concern.

Beginning fall 2016, Seattle will start providing research grants for PhD students willing to study Psychiatric Volcanology. “It’s clear now that our neighbor Mount Rainier is emotionally unstable, and the fact of the matter is that our geologists can’t do anything about it. They can predict when it might blow, and develop evacuation plans, but we need to stop this at the source,” said Seattle mayor Ed Murray.

Psychiatric Volcanologists will focus on the emotional states of past volcanoes, examining modern day case studies like the Bi-Polar Kilauea, all the way to Manic Depressive Pompeii. Through examination of the past, it is hoped that scientists will be able further identify risk factors for the mountains in the Pacific North West, as well as treatment plans to help keep them stable. University of Washington has already announced its support for the plan, stating that they have begun immediate construction on a combined geology and psychology department science center, slated to begin accepting students next fall.

Still from the Pixar Documentary Lava(2015)

The whole plan will cost Seattle tax-payers a paltry $150 million dollars over the next four years. We here at The Pattison Chronicle are happy to finally see the government take action on the important issues, and will gladly be contributing to the cause. What do you think of the new program? Will you become one of the first Volcanic Psychologists? Tell us on Facebook and Twitter, and don’t forget to subscribe! 

NFL Launches Preemptive Campaign

September 2nd, 2015, NFL HEADQUARTERS, DEATH STAR. 

This morning Columbia Pictures released the first trailer for its new movie Concussion starring Will Smith. It centers on all of the horrible nastiness that happens to players brains when they get hit in the head repeatedly for a living (so far all true). This, understandably has led to some poor press for the NFL, prompting a new campaign from Commissioner Roger Goodell. The campaign focuses on the tried and true “Hey! Look over there!” technique, and moves the public crosshairs over FIFA.

Actual photo of Roger Goodell by Pattison Chronicle Intern Jimmy 2.0

“The message is simple: Hey fans, we’re not as bad as FIFA,” said Roger Goodell in a press conference just this morning. Already the NFL has begun to take up ad space across the United States and Europe, to combat any negative press directed at American Football. The organization denies that the campaign is a direct response to the movie trailer, instead saying that it’s more of a precautionary move.

From right to left: New Jersey, Qatar. 

“The NFL is going to have some scandals this year, guaranteed. We need to do whatever we can to keep the political spotlight elsewhere. This isn’t just a campaign for now, it’s a campaign for football’s future,” said financial analyst John Moneybanks (last name legally changed because he has “so much money in the bank, it’s ludicrous”).

What do you think of the NFL’s new campaign? Let us know on Facebook and Twitter!

Man Loses Battle with Tech Support

AUGUST 25TH, SEATTLE, WA

Sad news today as it appears that local Seattleite Randy Craig has lost the battle with tech support. Doctors arrived at the Craig residence this morning to find Randy dead, and still listening to the customer support hold music. The King County coroner’s office has ruled the death accidental, as no one at the customer support hotline actually knew that Randy was on hold.

The incident began when Randy called tech support after recently updating his computer. The call log shows that he went through 53 automated menus, and was transferred a total of 10 times, before he was put on hold for 3 days. “We can’t be sure what killed him in the end, but signs point to the holding music.” The music shifts every three minutes to give the customer the illusion that something is changing on the other end. Mr. Craig called from a cellular phone, which allowed him to be exposed to the music for the entire duration of the call (over 36 hours) “Hold music toxicity levels tend to peak around 3 hours. It’s a miracle he lasted as long as he did.”

Humorous image of our non-existent tech support team inserted to break up an otherwise dark article.  

 Doctors are urging the public to exercise safe tech support habits. You can find a promotional poster below that shows how to stay safe while waiting on hold.

Financial: ISIS to Attend College Career Fair

It’s no secret that finding a job for qualified, young college graduates is a difficult task in the current economy. Employers are looking for candidates with experience, and unfortunately, our higher education system just doesn’t provide it. Well, for all those fresh-faced graduates, there is one organization that has their back in the cutthroat world of post-college education, and the name might be surprising. In the fall of 2015, ISIS will begin attending career fairs around the country, helping place qualified candidates in what they call ‘entry level positions’.

Yes, today ISIS made an announcement from its desert cave campus, detailing its plans to help the youth of America. “In a word, ISIS is impervious to economic decline. The market may fluctuate, but pillaging is an isolated business, and always provides a stable income. Couple that with our high employee turnover rate, and we’re always looking to hire new talent.” When asked about the ‘turnover rate’, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi claimed that it was because of employees ‘moving on’, but would not list which companies they had been placed with because of confidentiality.

Specifically, ISIS will be looking for candidates with “strong work ethic, leadership capabilities, and the basic strength required to lift an AK-47 to shoulder height.” Their benefits package consists of an all you can pillage policy from Allstate, which allows employees to utilize family heirlooms and other plunder as forms of co-pay. Some might be skeptical of ISIS stepping in to help our kids, but hey, at least their hiring!

What are your thoughts on ISIS as a post-college career? Let us know in the comments below, and on Facebook/Twitter. Be sure to follow us, so that you never miss an article, and tell your friends, because knowledge is power.

Want more articles about ISIS? We've got your back.
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