March 31, 2015 ANTARCTICA
Those poor poor Wampa Ice Beasts... |
Today it was reported that Antarctica has experienced a
record high temperature of 63 degrees Fahrenheit (that part is true, yikes).
Many climate change scientists have begun to use this as the banner to unite
the world in creating a force for change. Millions have already flocked to the
cause with their hybrids, gluten-free lifestyles, and general pretentious
demeanors, but not all are so convinced. For those who are unsatisfied by the
thin veil of evidence (the rest of the veil melted) that climate scientists are
providing, skeptics have a new theory that might blow the lid off of the whole
global warming debate.
“Antarctica may be melting, but how much of that is due to
human interaction? Recent seismic surveys have revealed great activity beneath
the iceberg that may be causing this shift. Simply put: Is it the ozone
thinning? Or is it Godzilla?” It was this quote that ended climate change
skeptic Timothy Ball’s address at the University of Winnipeg this morning.
According to his theory, seismic activity beneath the ice continent has
awakened a large, water-dwelling killer lizard that had been dormant for millennia.
Don't let LA be 1940s Tokyo |
“Focusing our efforts on changing the environment would be a
tragic misstep. If we don’t start putting money into coastal military defense
outposts we could all find ourselves burnt to cinders.” The lizard, professor
Ball says, is over ten stories tall, can likely breathe radioactive fire, and
is one-hundred-percent totally plausible, and most certainly not a diversion
from the idiocy that he had spewed in recent years. “This is a totally real
threat. Look over there!” Ball said, running away while The Pattison’s
interview team had their back turned.
What do you think? Is climate change a hoax? Should we all
be investing in lizard repellent? The Pattison Chronicle says yes, and the only
way to properly repel giant lizards is with The Pattison Chronicle’s proven
Giant Lizard Repellent Formula. Head over to our store and buy some today!
*Patent Pending* |
--Ashton Macaulay, Poor Fake News Author, Snake Oil
Salesman, Giant Lizard Denier