Comcast Resorts to Physical Threats after Net Neutrality Ruling

FEBRUARY 26TH, 2015 COMCAST HQ

The FCC today voted in favor of Net Neutrality, making it impossible for internet providers such as Comcast (assholes) to slow down speeds of websites such as Netflix (the one true God, resurrector of Arrested Development), if they refuse to pay protection money. Many internet users are very happy about this ruling (as it will keep their porn speeds from slowing), but there is a darker side.

Comcast has always maintained its image as a monopoly that is not to be fucked with, and when their surreptitious (not really) methods of shaking down internet companies for money are taken away the result is bloody. While Comcast may not be able to slow down broadband speeds they can still physically contact the owners of companies such as Youtube or Hulu (careful out there guys). It may not be a coincidence that today Comcast put out an open hiring post for “Men with lots of muscles, shaved heads, and ill-tempers”.

He looks friendly enough.

Comcast wishes to assure its customers that “We are not taking these measures as a means of attack, but as a means of defense. You’ll still see the same installation technician, but they will also be trained in martial arts, just as a precaution.”

"I've given you all the CAT5 cables I have! What else do you want?!"

Also this afternoon Comcast “power-cycled” the internet, by turning off all of their servers for sixty seconds and then turning them on again. “It’s what our customer service representative recommended, and in no way was meant to be seen as a power play to those who think they can get away with consistent internet speeds for a consistent price.” The outage only lasted for a minute or so, but the message was clear: Don’t screw with the powers at be, blindly pay your cable bill and look the other way.

We here at The Pattison Chronicle support net neutrality (no more throttling when I try to watch House of Cards in my bathtub, with a pint of ice cream, whilst simultaneously streaming old presidential addresses on my 3 multimedia devices, live tweeting the event on my xbox, and uploading the entire debacle to Youtube at 1080p resolution).

--Ashton Macaulay, Internet User, Somalian Pirate, and Giver of ‘0’ fucks

ISIL Documentary Snubbed by Oscar Committee

February 23, 2015 DESERT CAVE/FILM STUDIO

Why none of your favorite shows were on last night.

The internet is abuzz about the film Birdman beating out Selma for best picture at the Oscars last night, but the real snub comes in one of the minor categories. Documentary short subject probably went to some Polish film about a person living in black and white, but the independent film production company ISIL feels their film was blacklisted from the award shows because of conflicting political ideals (they kill people for fun). The documentary Beheading of an Infidel  received only one award nomination this year (Best Picture, Extremist Academy of Religious Bigotry and ‘Sciences’).

I mean they could have at least thrown them a nomination... racists.

“We really went all out on the cinematography for this film. Some may not have noticed, but the entire film was one continuous shot, and we released it before Birdman.” When asked if he thought Birdman had ripped off their film the documentarian had this to say: “It’s a different concept entirely, I mean they pan away when they execute their actors, but the filmmaking is definitely derivative.”

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences called the allegations ‘frivolous’ and ‘unfounded’, which in turn drew a slew of threats from various shadow organizations. ISIL responded in what they considered tit for tat by conquering yet another Mideastern territory.

ISIL joins an ever growing list of surprising Oscar snubs including The Lego Movie, and every black actor/actress in Hollywood.

Bet you never thought you'd see Legos in an article about ISIS.

--Pattison Schneider, Tow Orca, Mammal, & Film Critic

Amazon's New Delivery Service

February 19th, 2015 AMAZON/SKYNET


It looks as though Amazon is in the news today for another technical innovation just weeks after their drone program was shot down by the FAA.  That’s right, Amazon may not be able to dominate the skies, but that hasn't stopped them from detailing their latest invention to get us our cat-shaped bottle openers quicker.

The project is part of a scrapped project from the 80s which was focusing on the development of intelligent machines for use in the private sector. “The device incorporates the quickness of the Amazon drone, while also maintaining the friendly demeanor of a 1950s delivery boy. We’re aiming to bring back the familiarity and kind hearted nature of a simpler time, but with the convenience of the modern age.” Their calling the machine the Delivery Intelligence Entity or D.I.E. for short. The early prototype has already seen backing from Amazon’s chief investors, but the path to innovation is always harried by lesser beings.  

"What is your primary directive D.I.E.?"
"To provide excellent service and to KILL... the customers with kindness"

Computer scientists and engineers around the world have spoken out against the program, calling it both reckless, and a serious threat to human existence. Amazon wishes to assure its customers that the Delivery Intelligent Entity will be completely safe and user friendly. “People are concerned about super intelligent robots hell-bent on world domination, but the fact of the matter is, it just isn’t feasible. The Delivery Intelligent Entity is service robotics at its core, and aside from a few small arms is entirely harmless.”

The small arms he is referring to are an actual set of miniature arms which can extend from just above the shoulder blades of the courier in the event of what Amazon calls “occupational hazards”. These arms are fitted with fifty caliber machine guns, as well as a myriad of retractable knives. 

“These weapons are
purely for protection purposes to ensure that the packages our customers order are delivered in a timely and undamaged fashion. The variety of weaponry is meant to be a courtesy for late night deliveries. No one wants to wake up to the sound of a fifty caliber rifle, it’s just unpleasant. Knives are much quieter and still get the job done.”

"Don't worry, the logic board was modeled after an LA cop."

The new delivery system is set to undergo testing within the next few weeks in Ferguson Missouri, a location chosen for its high level of package traffic. More on this story as it develops…

-- John Johnson, Senior Singularity Conspiracy Theorist & Battle Bots Analyst

Gift Basket Turned Air-To-Ground Missile Heightens Tensions Between Egypt and ISIL

February 17th, 2015 SOMEWHERE WITH MUMMIES, EGYPT

It looks like the pyramid laden country of Egypt has made its way back into the news this week after a terrible misunderstanding with the PBS consortium ISIS. Monday morning was supposed to be a day of celebration and an end to fighting between the two, equally middle-eastern factions, but instead it ended in bloodshed when a gift basket turned air-to-ground missile went horribly awry. Rather than the tokens of peace ISIL fighters (civilians) were greeted with fully-functional missiles, with what seemed oddly like fatal intent.

"The incense was a little strong..." --Mohammed Morsi, President of Pyramids

“We were just trying to send some dried fruits, maybe a chocolate or two, but the result was much worse.” Much worse indeed as it appears Egypt fell short of its gift-basket goal by at least two ingredients. Although the gift-basket was checked by several mechanics and trained officials before it was loaded onto the plane, somewhere along the line it was tampered with…

For the safety of the people, we thought it best to cover exactly how accidents like this can happen, and how they can be avoided in the future. Our senior mechanical engineer examined the oversights and shortcuts that may have led to this tragedy. The diagram below details the slippery slope that can turn your gift basket into a weapon.

It's amazing how quickly things can go wrong...

Egypt and ISIL have agreed to go to Red Robin for peace talks after the accidental strike, and negotiations will take place later this week. One thing’s for sure, we’re going to be watching Egypt’s Christmas cards more closely…

Is that pie just a bottle of arsenic? Wait a minute!

--Dan Patterson, Mechanical Expert, Gift Basket Engineer, & Explosives Novice

ISIS to Host Children's Show on Public Access

February 13, 2015 DESERT CAVE, MIDDLE EAST

ISIS has been all over the news lately. Between air strikes, executions, and toppling unstable regimes, their media presence has been mostly negative, but if recent sources are to be believed, that’s all about to change. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, or Al for short has announced a new media campaign to help reverse the negative image that his organization has received. That’s right ISIS is starting a children’s show on PBS.

Jerry the Jihadist Jaguar (played by Charlie Sheen) will be premiering in the next few weeks on public access networks around the globe. “I know it seems counterintuitive to start with public access, but we really want to crowd-source this so that we can save money for missile strikes and abductions.” The Save Jerry campaign on Kickstarter has already received $30,000 from backers. ISIS has received some heat over the campaign as certain members of the site have called it misleading, or lies.

“Look, look, yes our campaign may contain some inaccuracies, but that is the nature of viral marketing. Yes we said the campaign was to bring back Jerry Simons who we kidnapped back in May, but the lie is for a good cause, and we really did kidnap Jerry! He’s going to be our guest star on the first episode, I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but it rhymes with elocution.”

Have you ever seen a militant look so happy?

 When asked to take down the campaign, Kickstarter responded with the following statement: “We are looking into the situation, but we do not have all the facts yet. Judgment will be reached within the next 6-26 months.” The Save Jerry campaign is only $70,000 short of its backing goal, and the campaign will end within the next 5 months.

Jerry the Jihadist Jaguar is set to premier on June 6^th 2015 in the 2AM timeslot. We’ll be tuning in and providing you with our review shortly after its release.

--Jane Doe, Senior Anonymity Correspondent & Soon to be Fired Intern

A Song of Mice and Fire?

A Song of Mice and Fire...

February 11^th, 2014 THE NORTH, WESTEROS

"So Mickey falls off the Matterohorn..." A Song of Mice and Fire

George R.R. Martin announced today that he has signed a contract with Disney’s animated division to pen the script for their newest Princess film. Disney has been looking to pump some new blood into their universe as the company is still recovering from the box office bomb that was Frozen. Bob Iger (Disney CEO & Possibly Sauron) has said that they want to step away from the ill-conceived fantasy world of previous movies, by stepping into a more grounded and dramatic territory.

As for what the film will look like, we can only speculate. Martin was unable to comment on the movie’s content or characters, so we’ve opted for well-thought-out speculative memes instead…

This new princess film is currently slated for a 2016 release, but this date has been described as “extremely flexible”. Disney already plans to follow up with a set of sequels in 2018 and 2020, although these dates are also flexible, with Martin’s agent saying: “There could be two years between, there could be sixteen, but it will be worth it.” We’ll continue to follow up with more information as it becomes available. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Movie Correspondent, Red Wedding Co-Conspirator,&  Payer of Debts

Universal Rebooting Harry Potter Series

February 9th, 2015 HOLLYWOOD, CA

Today Universal made what will no doubt become one of their most controversial announcements today; they are rebooting the beloved Harry Potter series to better appeal to young audiences. “Young audiences don’t want the old Harry Potter anymore; the special effects have become outdated and campy. What new fans want to see is a grittier, more realistic Harry Potter…”

While the VP of Universal couldn’t discuss many of the changes, they did tease some of the major changes coming to the Potter Universe. First, the series will no longer feature magic, saying that the concept was both unrealistic and passé. This move allows them to reach a broader (more fundamentally religious) population. “Rather than a school for magic, Hogwarts is going to be a school for martial arts and business management training…”

Second, there’s going to be a lot more passion, death, and sex. “While we don’t want Harry Potter to be a ‘blood orgy’ like Game of Thrones…” An apparently popular TV series (I’ve never heard of it) “We do want to embrace some of the more mature themes in the universe.” The VP said further that we can expect the death of Harry’s parents to feel more like a ‘gangland assassination’ as opposed to the whimsical magic murder currently portrayed.

One thing is for sure, we’re all still going to see it. Do you like the changes? Is it too much? Sound off in the comments on Twitter with the hashtag #PotterGate!

--Ashton Macaulay, Movie Correspondent, and Ex-Aspiring Wizard

Vaccinations: Dangerous Government Plot or Source of the Xmen?

February 5, 2015 BELLINGHAM, WA

The recent outbreak of diseases (Ebola, west-nile virus, typhoid, plague, etc…) in Disney’s West-African country of Adventureland has prompted a serious debate into the nature of vaccinations. Were the chaos, pandemonium, death, decay, and harm to children really caused by parents’ choices not to vaccinate? While we can’t be a hundred percent sure (we can be), The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be best to examine what exactly vaccinations are so as to better educate the public!

5 Things You Should Know About Vaccinations

1. Sure, some people (Jenny McCarthy, hope we didn’t spell that right) say that vaccines cause autism (they don’t), but what they never talk about is the benefits of non-vaccination (there are none). I'm pretty sure Barry Allen never got vaccinated and look what happened!

Pending DC Comics Lawsuit

2. Vaccinations are actually just made with orange juice at different levels of decomposition (Shhhh, don’t tell anyone, big pharma needs the money).

New slogan for orange juice pending

3. Charlie Sheen doesn’t get his kids vaccinated (that one’s actually true), and everyone knows the cool kids love The Sheen. Hop on the Sheen train everybody!

No caption necessary

4. The Iron Lung might sound like a cool superhero name, and it totally is.

If Ralph on The Simpsons would say it, you know it's bad.

5. Finally, vaccinations are manufactured by the devil (Bible et al., 0).

Avenged Sevenfold had some hits right? And non-vaccinating is so not metal...

All in all it’s up to the people to decide what they want to do, but I can say this: For every reader who provides proof of their child’s vaccination, I will donate $1 to the Save the Tow Orcas Foundation (most certainly not run by me). I hope you have found this as educational and intellectually arousing as I have!

--Dr. Buncher, Pattison Chronicle on Staff Dr., Registered Plastic Surgeon, and Horse   

PETA Lashes out at Katy Perry About Half-Time Show Performance

"Fighting for animal rights humans don't even have."

February 2, 2015 SEATTLE WASHINGTON

In the wake of a disappointing Superbowl outcome the citizens of Washington have been re-directing their attention to the ‘real’ winner of the Superbowl. I’m speaking of course about Katy Perry. Many tuned into yesterday’s half-time show with the lackluster enthusiasm of a generation that has seen it all (looking at you Janet), but there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when Ms. Perry finished her soulful rendition of her hit single Animal Noises. However, there are some who are very displeased with the performance, and mostly they’re PETA.

Because being the Mockingjay just wasn't enough was it?

A spokesperson for PETA (People for Extreme Trivial Activism) said the following: “Not only did Katy Perry manage to abuse a well-loved species by removing it from its natural habitat…” Referring to the dancing sharks during Song that No Longer Contains Snoop Dogg. “…She also took an endangered species, oppressed it into servitude, and rode it for the crowd’s amusement. It is one of the biggest catastrophes in animal rights history, and frankly I’m appalled that the NFL has done nothing about it. Ms. Perry should face heavy fines if not jail-time for her actions.” While the representative may have seemed a bit uppity, they may have a point. At one point during the performance it is very clear that the sharks are under duress (likely due to the lack of water on the stage) and can be seen gasping for air.

Katy Perry strikes one of the sharks after it gasped on stage.

In addition, the Post-Annakin/Darth Vader treatment of the lion was gruesome. When asked to comment Roger Goodell had the following to say: “We want to wait to make a decision until all the information is available. The NFL is currently in possession of a tape that does indeed show Ms. Perry on a mechanical animal of some kind, but as of yet it is unclear on whether or not she knew that her prop was a living animal. It is possible that the animal may have been tampered with, without her knowledge.”

As always I think we can count on the NFL to make a swift and righteous decision in this matter. All in all, it was quite the show, and I think we can all agree that the Black Eyed Peas should crawl deeper into their shame hole.

--Mac Turbine, Animal Rights Activist, Equine and Feline Interpreter