New Republican Candidate Sweeps the Field

It would appear that another republican candidate has entered the ever growing field for the 2016 presidential race. On Friday morning a male silverback gorilla named Bobo announced his campaign to a crowd of zookeepers in Michigan. While his candidacy may come as a surprise to some, the zookeepers had been expecting the political move for months, saying: “He’s always been a self-starter with a keen eye for economic growth. If it weren’t for him, we would have never developed our banana re-distribution program.” Bobo referred to this as trickle down bananomics, a system in which the alpha male gets all the bananas, and after he has had his share, allows the remains to be distributed to the rest of the troop.

"Washington needs it's alpha." - Bobo the Gorilla

Bobo the gorilla will be running on a platform of fiscal conservatism, focusing on the fact that he is a Washington outsider, who has never held public office. A spokesperson for Bobo’s campaign said that he is attempting to distance himself from the rest of the field by providing a strong option, without the spectacle that has become the norm. “His plan for the economy is simple. A banana in every pocket makes the world go round. The United States will invest heavily in banana plantations, and through the process create renewable jobs, and sustainable agriculture.”

Bobo as a Washington Outsider

Bobo has only been in the race for a short 3 hours, but already he is polling at the top of the GOP field, pulling most of the supporters from Donald Trump. Voters are claiming that he’s the answer to a broken system, and that the only way to truly shift the mind of the elite is to enact change. “It’s almost like he’s a different species of politician,” said a man in a crowd of Bobo supporters at the Michigan zoo today. There is still no word on how Bobo plans to hit the campaign trail, but we will keep you updated as more information is released.

"A different species of politician." - Bobo Supporter

We’ll have more on Bobo’s campaign as we get closer to the 2016 election. Until then, make sure you support his candidacy on social media with #Bobo2016 #BananasForBobo.

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Fallmageddon

Perfect place for death by selfie

September 23^rd marks the end of summer, and the beginning of fall. For most people this is a time of preparation, stocking up for winter and preparing for hibernation (is that humans or bears? I can never remember). However, this fall is not going to be ordinary. If our meteorologists at The Pattison Chronicle Weather Center are correct (and we’re pretty sure they aren’t), we could be on the brink of one of the deadliest autumns in history.

Scientists are calling it Fallmageddon. With the popularity of dead tree leaves, “genuine” fall photos, and pumpkin spice lattes, we are almost certainly due for one of the most heavily hash tagged falls of all time. “First off, we’re going to be seeing a lot of tweet waves. Residents should prepare themselves by understanding that all social media channels will be clogged with photos of dead leaves and autumn themed Starbucks drinks,” warned Pattison Chronicle Meteorologist Pat Weatherman in a speech today which no one attended due to its lack of social media buzz. “If we’re not careful, social media won’t be able to dispense cat videos, and we could be looking at least a two-month drought.” A recent poll by Pattison scientists showed that without these cat videos, depression rates in the United States could skyrocket.

Many Bothans died to give us this information

The second threat we will be facing is what’s known as “Death by Selfie”. More and more teens (who are we kidding, the guy who died at the Taj Mahal was middle-aged), are perishing in the attempt to get that perfect picture. As fall rolls around, this will only continue to get worse. Drivers are urged to use extra caution in watching for pedestrians who might be trying to snap “genuine” pictures in the middle of the motorway. Pedestrians are asked to be on the lookout for motorists who might be trying to immortalize their Pumpkin Spice Latte, rather than attending to the road.

The Pattison Chronicle asks that you be safe this fall, and #Fallow our simple guide to help lower the autumn death toll. Be sure to tell us on Twitter and Facebook about your preparations for #Fallmageddon.

Amazon Prime Coming to Spaaaaace

In a press conference this morning, Amazon head Jeff Bezos announced that he had acquired land in Florida for construction of a rocket launch facility (I can’t actually believe it, but that part is true). What was unclear as of this morning’s announcement was what Amazon’s future plans for the facility were. However, in a brief tweet this afternoon, the company has given a little insight into what their intentions actually are: “Amazon Prime Space”.

That’s right; Amazon Prime is going to be offering two -day delivery to astronauts aboard the International Space Station (ISS). Beginning early next year, Amazon will begin sending test rockets to deliver supplies to the ISS, and afterward will ship a limited catalog on a regular basis.
The initial catalog will feature two flavors of Tang, dehydrated ice cream, and a slinky space experimentation kit.

What do you think of Amazon’s bold new direction? Let us know in the comments, on Facebook, and on Twitter. Also make sure to check out our article on Amazon's newest ground delivery service.

Apple’s new HC Robot Fails Turing Test

Apple, think differently, but similar to us.

For many years scientists have been arguing over whether or not true artificial intelligence (AI) can be achieved. The ultimate way to determine whether or not someone has completed this task is through what is called a Turing Test. This test involves a human operator conversing with a machine, and if they cannot tell whether or not the machine is indeed artificial, then it passes. A shocking leak today has revealed that Apple was conducting one of these tests right under the eyes of the American public.  Apple CEO Tim Cook took the stage to address the leak earlier today.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I say we have not achieved the milestone we were hoping for. While we have created a very lifelike, thinking machine, we fell short of our lofty goals. In the end, it just wasn’t human.” Tim Cook then proceeded to sweep aside a black curtain, and revealed presidential candidate Hilary Clinton, or the AppleHC for short.

How did we miss it?

Clinton has been dropping steadily in the polls ever since her opponent Bernie Sanders announced his intention to run. Her campaign has been criticized as cold and even robotic, which now makes all the more sense. “While the Apple HC may have failed the Turing Test, we have found that it makes for a great political advisor, and will still be bringing it to market at the end of the year.”

Other tech companies have been quick to criticize Apple’s big reveal with Amazon’s Jeff Bezos calling it “nothing more than a C-ticket Disneyland attraction.” Apple has also announced that they will be releasing a scaled down Apple HC-C (Hilary Clinton Cheap) model, which will launch with less foreign policy integration, but still contain the basic features.

 What do you think of Apple’s big reveal? Were you also underwhelmed? Let us know in the comments below, Facebook, and Twitter.

The Pattison Chronicle Interview Guide

Having trouble finding a job in the current economy? We here at The Pattison Chronicle think it’s a damned shame that qualified people such as our viewers (clearly the best people out there) can’t find jobs in their fields. As such, we’ve created a comprehensive five step guide on how to ace your first interview and get that dream job you’ve always wanted.

1. Hair

Hair Style, you don’t want to look like a dork walking into some corporate hotshot office. So here are the three acceptable hairstyles for interviewing that say “Hey, I’m conservative, but also an alpha male/female.” Remember that all of these cuts are unisex, because do you

2. Attire

The second is obviously clothing. In the job market you’re going to be going up against a bunch of conservatively dressed pencil pushers. Break the mold, and remember that tasteful sleeveless tees are the name of the game.

3. Be late

Show up late. This one should be a no-brainer, but oftentimes people are punctual for an interview, and nothing says NERD like timeliness. If your interview is at 10AM, show up at 11, or better yet, don’t show up at all. Tell your boss that you are in charge of scheduling, and that they shouldn’t be wasting your time with early meetings.

4. The Cat

Emphasize your cat. There isn’t a boss in the world who won’t be amazed by your ability to tame the unfettered beast that is a domesticated feline. Owning a cat shows that you are responsible, and akin to Tarzan when it comes to woodland survival. Don’t have a cat? Get one.

5. Eye Contact

When in doubt, don’t speak. Prolonged, aggravated eye contact is a surefire way to assert dominance in the workplace, and almost never comes across as creepy or weird. Hell, you’ll probably get promoted for being such a go-getter.

Just remember, you’re the best person for this job, and the interviewer should know that already. Realistically, the entire interview is riding on them, so you might as well relax and have a cold one. Be sure to share your success stories with us on Twitter, Facebook, and the comments below. Also remember that sharing is caring, and once you have a job, you should help your friends out by sharing this guide so that they don’t end up flipping burgers at Bank of America.

City of Seattle Funds Psychiatric Volcanology

September 8th, 2015 SEATTLE, WA

Seattle, city of rain, passive-aggressive homeless, and of course, a massive volcano waiting to kill us all. For anyone who has not read our article on volcano awareness, allow me to give you a quick recap: When Mount Rainer finally decides it’s had enough, we’re all done for. Luckily, the Seattle City Council has opted to do something about it, because for obvious reasons, volcanoes are the city’s number one concern.

Beginning fall 2016, Seattle will start providing research grants for PhD students willing to study Psychiatric Volcanology. “It’s clear now that our neighbor Mount Rainier is emotionally unstable, and the fact of the matter is that our geologists can’t do anything about it. They can predict when it might blow, and develop evacuation plans, but we need to stop this at the source,” said Seattle mayor Ed Murray.

Psychiatric Volcanologists will focus on the emotional states of past volcanoes, examining modern day case studies like the Bi-Polar Kilauea, all the way to Manic Depressive Pompeii. Through examination of the past, it is hoped that scientists will be able further identify risk factors for the mountains in the Pacific North West, as well as treatment plans to help keep them stable. University of Washington has already announced its support for the plan, stating that they have begun immediate construction on a combined geology and psychology department science center, slated to begin accepting students next fall.

Still from the Pixar Documentary Lava(2015)

The whole plan will cost Seattle tax-payers a paltry $150 million dollars over the next four years. We here at The Pattison Chronicle are happy to finally see the government take action on the important issues, and will gladly be contributing to the cause. What do you think of the new program? Will you become one of the first Volcanic Psychologists? Tell us on Facebook and Twitter, and don’t forget to subscribe! 

NFL Launches Preemptive Campaign

September 2nd, 2015, NFL HEADQUARTERS, DEATH STAR. 

This morning Columbia Pictures released the first trailer for its new movie Concussion starring Will Smith. It centers on all of the horrible nastiness that happens to players brains when they get hit in the head repeatedly for a living (so far all true). This, understandably has led to some poor press for the NFL, prompting a new campaign from Commissioner Roger Goodell. The campaign focuses on the tried and true “Hey! Look over there!” technique, and moves the public crosshairs over FIFA.

Actual photo of Roger Goodell by Pattison Chronicle Intern Jimmy 2.0

“The message is simple: Hey fans, we’re not as bad as FIFA,” said Roger Goodell in a press conference just this morning. Already the NFL has begun to take up ad space across the United States and Europe, to combat any negative press directed at American Football. The organization denies that the campaign is a direct response to the movie trailer, instead saying that it’s more of a precautionary move.

From right to left: New Jersey, Qatar. 

“The NFL is going to have some scandals this year, guaranteed. We need to do whatever we can to keep the political spotlight elsewhere. This isn’t just a campaign for now, it’s a campaign for football’s future,” said financial analyst John Moneybanks (last name legally changed because he has “so much money in the bank, it’s ludicrous”).

What do you think of the NFL’s new campaign? Let us know on Facebook and Twitter!