June 13, 2015 PORTLAND, OR
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Soon to be gluten-free |
Yes, that’s right, you read our headline correctly; Portland
Oregon is going to be hosting a new sports team! With the success of the
Portland Timbers and the lackluster glory that always seems to trail the
Blazers, it was only a matter of time before Portland invested in something
fresh. Next summer Portland will play host to the NFL’s first ironic pro
football team, The Portland Jack Wagons.
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The team opted to use this photo of a brick wall as their logo, saying "it's about the government." |
The Portland Jack Wagons have already boycotted next year’s
NFL draft, claiming that they “wouldn’t want any of the ‘mainstream’ players
anyway.” Instead, Portland will be recruiting former all-star cricket player
Sachin Tendulkar (that’s a real person), lead singer of Hole Courtney Love and famous
knee-capper Tonya Harding. The team manager will be none other than movie
director Gus Van Sant.
Van Sant gave a brief interview on the new team’s style: “The
team will focus on the pacifistic aspects of pro-football while simultaneously
lampooning the beast-like nature of our opponents. Yes, some of our players may
be injured, but in the end, that’s art.” Rather than playing in a stadium, Van
Sant has opted to play the team’s home games in “an abandoned parking lot
behind that cool new restaurant on Macadam.”
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We would have photoshopped a football into her hand, but the intern was in charge of photos today, and he doesn't have a license. So just imagine a football in her hand. Can you picture it? Good. Now subscribe so that this doesn't have to happen again. |
Rest assured that we will be covering this team’s rise to
fame over the next year.
--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, Professional
Obfuscator, and Jack Wagon Fan