Seattle to Launch a Series of Attack Ads Against Portland

July 29, 2015 SEATTLE WA,  PATTISON CHRONICLE HEADQUARTERS

Seattle has been receiving a lot of negative press in the news lately. Whether it’s massive earthquakes hell-bent on destroying the city, basic violations of human rights by the police force, or massive rent spikes increasing gentrification to obscene levels, Seattle just can’t seem to catch a break. In the wake of the negative PR, Mayor Ed Murray gave a speech this afternoon announcing a plan to steer Seattle back on the path to greatness. That plan involves running a series of attack ads against Seattle’s rival city of Portland Oregon.

Mayor Murray closed today’s historic speech with the line, “Seattle needs to be reminded of how great it truly is, and if the citizens can’t see that, they at least need to know that we’re better than Portland.” The city council then unveiled the designs for the billboards which will be put up all along the I-5 corridor from “Vancouver to Vancouver.” For those who are unaware, the second Vancouver is a small mistake of a town located just north of Portland.

The ad rollout will cost the city of Seattle close to 14 million dollars, but the city financial analysts claim that with the fistfuls of money that they’re making off property, “it just doesn’t really matter.”

Sadly accurate. You don't want to know what our new offices cost...

What do you think of the new ads? Should Portland be angry? Is there really a second Vancouver? Let us know in the comments below, or on Facebook, or on Twitter, or throw a brick through our window, we’re willing to throw down.

--Ashton Macaulay, Manager of The Pattison Chronicle, Recent Seattleite. 

Behavioral Data Analysis Presentations Functionally Similar to Paint Drying

JULY 22, 2015 SEATTLE WA

Big news out of the psychology community this week as conclusive evidence has been obtained demonstrating that reports of behavioral data analysis are functionally similar to

watching paint dry (with 95% estimated certainty). This news has set the community on fire as just last week behavioral data analyst Mike Klippinger had produced evidence that data analysis was considered to be one of the sexiest professions to women under 40 with over 10 cats (albeit with a sample size of 1 and an estimated certainty of only 94%).

The experiment took place in a basement laboratory at Stanford using unaware undergraduate students (because they’re so easy to obtain), over a period of four hours. “We had two groups. One group listened to an exciting report on behavioral data analysis in the human resources field, and the other watched paint dry on a wall. We ensured that students had no idea which condition they were in by telling those in the paint condition that they were actually watching a behavioral data analysis presentation.”

Student Mark Lowly claimed that he was completely blind to the experiment, and noticed the trick only after the paint had dried. “After a while I was just like, wait, this paint isn’t lecturing to me, it’s just drying.” The researchers will be publishing their findings in the coming weeks. By the time the 8 week scientific replication process is over, the public will  have no doubt lost interest and moved on to the next inflammatory finding, so, let’s all just take the science on faith and call it a day, we’ve earned it.

--Ashton Macaulay, Behavioral Data Analyst, Recent Psychology Graduate, Mr. Newell Please Hire me

Seattle to Provide New Form of Low Income Housing

July 20, 2015 SEATTLE WA

It’s no secret that Seattle’s rent prices have skyrocketed over the last year, driving many inhabitants to flee the city in search of less exorbitant rates (not looking at you Portland…) In the current conditions, a 450-foot studio with a  view of a piss-stained Chipotle in the greater Seattle area runs around $1,200 a month. If this seems a little steep, don’t panic, because Seattle has a plan for you!

Artist's rendering of new Low Income Housing Units

The Seattle Housing and Industry Tribunal recently announced that they would be creating a series of low-income developments in the University District as well as Downtown. These units will provide smaller than average living conditions, with fewer amenities, but will only charge $700 a month. “The units will be sparse, but will provide affordable and stylish housing to those who really need it,” says Richard Whole, head of the Functional Underpass initiative. Through use of minimal state funds, the initiative hopes to be up and running in the next six months.

You've seen the floor-plans and images of the proposed units. What do you think? Does this help alleviate the massive rent problem Seattle has been facing? The Pattison Chronicle says yes!

--Ashton Macaulay, 899/month Income Reduced Rent Payer, B

ox Domicile Inhabitant

"The Big One" or "The Big Hoax?"

JULY 14, 2015 USGS [POPULAR KIDS]

He may look cute, but he wants to bury you, and your
heathen belief system.

If you’ve been on the internet this week, you’ve no doubt noticed that it has become impossible to browse cat videos without stumbling across the New Yorker article about “The Big One”. If you are unfamiliar, “The Big One” refers to a massive earthquake that will wipe out the entire west coast, similar to the documentary San Andreas. Earthquakes might seem like a real threat, but in truth, they are masking a danger that the scientific community has turned a blind eye to for centuries. I’m talking of course about the mole people branch of Al Qaeda.

Recent information from our highly trained geology majors has uncovered that a series of tremors in the Seattle area might not be the result of tectonic shifting. “If you look at the maps, it just doesn’t add up. Tectonic shifts should cause the plates to move in a horizontal-like fashion, but what we’re seeing is something far more dangerous. In short, there is no explanation other than Terrorist Mole Men.”

These Terrorist Mole Men (TMM for short), were originally part of Al Qaeda, but were thrown out because they were too extreme in their methods. They even briefly joined ISIS, but were kicked out after the Chile sinkhole incident. Ever since they have been digging tunnels beneath the West Coast in the hopes of eliminating the Seahawks (a moles natural predator). It may all seem a little far-fetched, but the science is there if you’re willing to look. If you examine that New Yorker article again, it has TMM written all over it…

--Ashton Macaulay, Conspiracy Theorist, Lover of Bill Murray, Killer of Gophers/Moles

Weatherman Loses His Shit

JULY 13, 2015 FUTURE SITE OF NORTH POLE, FLORIDA

This swirling vortex of death brought to you by Liberalism!

If you’ve been reading the headlines in the side of your Facebook feed (probably our most accurate news source) lately, then you may have noticed the abnormal amount of doomsday weather predictions. In the past two weeks, scientists have predicted mass extinction, mini-ice age, and a series of killer storms that will hydrate Californians to unprecedented levels (http://tinyurl.com/nm6kutv Mini Ice Age Link). With all of this unprecedented news, it’s no surprise that weathermen/women have begun to lose their shit.

Typically, meteorologists go on the air for about five minutes, speculate wildly about super-storms, and then go get drunk at the local bar. Unfortunately, recent scientific predictions about doomsday have put meteorologists under a lot of pressure to make more accurate guesses regarding extreme weather. FOX  news meteorologist Rick Reichmuth went on the air last night to announce that a storm of fireballs would wipe out the heathen state of Washington for their liberal sins, and was quoted as saying “It’s a long shot, but f*** it, we’re all dead anyway.”

The Pattison Chronicle does not put much stock in Reichmuth’s claims, but we will be selling lead-lined umbrellas at our Seattle branch starting July 25. Remember, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

--Ashton Macaulay, Wearer of Tinfoil Hats, Amateur Meteorologist, Future Igloo Owner

Parents Horrified as Highly Qualified Liberal Arts Major Can’t Get a Job

July 6^th, 2015 YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT

A suburban mother was terrified this morning as the news of her son’s unemployment came in the form of a text message asking for “a place to crash, just until I get my feet under me.” Chad Williams, 23 years old, had just graduated from Evergreen College with a major in History through Interpretive Dance, when he found himself on the unemployment line.

“I just don’t understand it. He had passing grades throughout college, and now he can’t even find a job teaching inner-city youths about The Civil War through dance. I think it’s the economy.” With business and high tech on the rise in the Seattle area, it’s no surprise that students who majored in anything involving interpretive dance, psychology, and other studies (mainly anything that isn’t computer science, business, or math) have found a stark job market.

Ah, university, a place for postponing the slap in the face that is our current job market. 

In these trying times of unemployment, The Pattison Chronicle has dedicated time to make a flowchart to help youths in deciding on where to apply in the current job market.

Please share with your loved ones, so that we may stop unemployment, one non-science major at a time.

--Ashton Macaulay, Master’s in Experimental Psychology, Please Hire Me, I have a CV

Pope Loses Vatican Splendors in Dice Game

July 1, 2015 VATICAN CITY

Let's all take a minute just to remember that Catholics own a small country. 

Strange news out of the Vatican today, as it seems that Pope Francis has gambled away half of the Vatican Splendors (that’s a real term for all the crazy shit they own.) The pope made the announcement from his balcony this morning sporting a black eye because he ‘didn’t want to pay up’.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy snake eyes.

Several Vatican authorities have confirmed The Pope’s love of gambling and all things dice, but confessed (see what we did there?) that they never thought it would be a problem. “Francis would always dice with other religious dignitaries. He never lost.” The Pope’s luck turned when on his most recent trip he entered into a game of dice with radical group ISIS, wagering the Vatican splendors against ownership of Tunisia.

Blessed be thy dice...

When asked to comment on the matter Francis simply said, “I thought God had my back.” 

--Ashton Macaulay, Religious Correspondent, Freight Train Conductor to Hell