The Academy May be Reforming, but There's Another Issue...

January 22, 2016

There has been a lot of debate and protest surrounding the 2016 Oscars, with calls for the award show to be boycotted due to a flawed selection process. Brilliant films are being snubbed for nominations because of the people who made or starred in them, and frankly, The Pattison Chronicle staff are pretty fired up about it. While The Academy has made some changes to their selection committee and promised to diversify in the years to come (that part is true), they have completely ignored a specific sector of the acting population. After fighting for years, it's time we stop ignoring the animal acting population.

This year we saw amazing performances from Bear in The Revenant and Horses 1-4 in The Hateful Eight, and both were entirely ignored by The Academy’s selection committee. When reached for comment, one member of the academy said “I voted for Bear, but it’s unfortunate, because a lot of people didn’t really see his performance, the spotlight was on Leo.”

I mean you can finally give Leo his Oscar, but a nomination would have been nice!

The Academy’s xenophobic actions cannot be allowed to continue any longer. Watching actors like Spot from the critically acclaimed Air Bud series, pass his entire 7 year life without a scrap of recognition is nothing short of horrifying.

Spot was a method actor, who actually joined the Lakers for six months to train for this role...

It’s 2016, and we need to stand up and acknowledge actors of all backgrounds, regardless of the amount of fur they have (they let Jared Leto in!) Help us raise awareness with the hashtag #OscarsSoSapien, and if you can bring yourself to turn away from Hollywood stars masturbating each other’s egos for a night on February 28^th, 2016, I’m sure that would help too…

--Ashton Macaulay, Editor in Chief, Academy Selection Member (I voted for all the animals so that means I’m not xenophobic right?), and Air Bud Enthusiast

Viking Field Goal Hampered by Divine Intervention

January 11^th 2016

For many Minnesota fans, Sunday’s game was a disappointment, as their playoff hopes died with an ill-fated field goal attempt. Most were quick to disown Blair Walsh and blame his inadequacy (until next year’s pre-season), but some have speculated that there may have been another reason for his missed attempt. Mainly, the blame has begun to fall on the vengeful wrath of ancient Viking gods who have been offended by Minnesota’s mascot.

The Minnesota Vikings have used caricatures of Norse gods for their mascot since the early 1960s, and it appears that it is finally catching up with them. Professors of mythology from all over the globe have begun to speculate that there might have been some divine interference during the game. “If you look at the moment the kick veers off course, you can very clearly see Thor’s hammer flying in from the west,” said Dr. Obfu Scate. He suspects that the Norse gods finally grew tired of being a mockery and took matters into their own hands.

Meteorologists have also been unable to explain the extreme cold experienced during the game, which is unusual for Wisconsin’s normally balmy climate. While some initially interpreted this as the gods being on Minnesota’s side, it is clear now that it was the opposite.

The Seattle Seahawks were seen training with several ornithologists for their next game, but have declined to acknowledge their fear of potential mascot interference. More on this story after next week’s game.

--Ashton Macaulay, Junior Ornithologist, Football Spectator, Television Set Combatant