Top 5 Star Wars SPOILERS!!!!

Alright, there’s no other way to go about this, Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be available for the public tonight. Fortunately, The Pattison Chronicle staff was invited to a special pre-screening last night, and rather than having to wait a day, we’ve decided to give you a list of our top five spoilers for the upcoming movie. So buckle up, and prepare for education, because you’re going to learn something today.

1. There’s Full Frontal Han

Look at that tasteful leather.

Remember Slave Leia? Well it looks like Disney is doing away with traditional gender roles, and in a bold move included a scene with Han fully nude, to embrace the character’s vulnerability. It is done in a tasteful shot with Han’s decrepit manhood being silhouetted against Tatooine’s twin suns while Binary Sunset plays in the background. Way to be bold Disney.

2. Pod Racing is Back

Sorry lil Annie, just no.

J.J. Abrams was tight lipped about the plot to The Force Awakens for a reason. The bulk of this movie involves Han being rescued from the clutches of the Hutts (see Spoiler #1) after a deal goes sour. Luke has to come out of retirement (from being a Jedi badass), and must channel his father to win a series of increasingly dangerous pod races for Han’s freedom. This all culminates with a cameo by Sebulba, who you guessed it, is still the king of racing. It was a nice nod to the original trilogy (I, II, and III), and will surely please fans.

3. All of the Main Characters are CG

Don't tell anyone we handicammed the premier...

In a surprising turn of events, the film looks remarkably different from its trailers. While audiences will be expecting an archaic clutter of practical effects and hard labor, they will be pleasantly surprised with an Avatar-esque computer generated masterpiece. All of the characters are rendered in gorgeous 1080p, looking even realer than the real thing.

4. Finn and Rey are only cameo characters

Remember all those trailers that focused on the “new generation” of Star Wars? Turns out it was all a red herring. The only scene these new characters are featured in is an initial chase that sets up Han’s capture. It seems that J.J. has really learned his lesson about revealing too many casting details ahead of a movie’s release. Got me good Abrams, got me good.

5. That end credits scene

Summer 2017

There has been a lot of buzz about Episode 8’s plot and who’s going to be directing it. With all of the changes in script and directors, the film’s future was uncertain, until now. After the credits roll, we are treated to a cameo by Vin Diesel as he pulls up in Anakin’s old pod racer (10 second pod), and challenges Luke to a race. This is followed by the title Star Wars Episode VIII: The Fast Awakens. Following the news, director Justin Lin has also come out and said that he will be directing the eighth installment in the franchise.

--Ashton Macaulay, Man Who's Been in Line for a Year, Alderaan Enthusiast, First Order General

Large Snowfall Brings Threat of Immigration

December 9, 2015 MOUNT RAINIER NATIONAL PARK, WASHINGTON

Over the past week, intense weather patterns have led to over 15 feet of snow accumulating on Mount Rainer. Skiers and snowboarders have been rejoicing at the potential of a year where they might actually be able to visit the mountain, and children have begun planning tubing trips into the foothills. All in all, it looks to be a good year for business owners, with record snowfall, bringing in droves of rich dentists (or whoever the hell can afford to ski). However, not all is well. With the snow totals increasing to record levels, some concerned government officials have begun to warn of an imminent danger. Global warming may be the delusional popular threat to campaign about this year, but with rapid (but natural) climate change, the one thing we clearly have to worry about is yeti immigration.

With the foothills of Rainier looking more and more like the base of the alps every day, immigrants will soon be pouring in by the thousands. Already the Swiss Matterhorn has noticed a drop in their yeti population, and it will not be long before they are on our doorstep. To be clear, this is not condemning yetis as a population, but in order to better protect the safety of this great country, many government officials are calling for a straight ban on visas for yetis, just until the situation can be figured out.

Presidential frontrunner Donald Trump spoke on the matter yesterday stating: “Without looking at the various polling data, it is obvious to anybody the hatred is beyond comprehension [speaking on the tendency for yetis to maul mountain climbers when their territory is encroached upon.] Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by yetis that believe only in Snowhad [a yeti word for holy war against those who climb mountains in bright jackets], and have no sense of reason or respect for human life.”

Yetis have a strong cultural history of violence (as evidenced by the two or three that keep attacking people), and are a menace on every mountain that they inhabit. A group of cultural psychologists (liberals) are currently trying to advocate unsuccessfully to retain the open border policy that the United States has maintained with yetis for many years. “Our native sasquatch was once an immigrant too, and look at the economic boom he’s brought local wood carvers and the History Channel. By locking these creatures out of our country, we’re doing ourselves and the nation a great disservice,” said Dr. Renee Pollicker in an address to the Washington State legislative office this morning. She also sighted evidence of hikers stories about sharing picnics with the large ape, and the creature’s primarily docile nature.

Unfortunately, the lives of those in our country can’t be put at risk based on the good behavior of one member of the species. The only sensible solution is to keep all of the yetis out, until proper relocation services are available. Senator Mitch McConnell has already put forth a bill in the senate which will help set up relocation sites where yetis can live without bothering the area’s local inhabitants. He has also stated that to help save the country’s budget (that’s right liberals, we’re not made of money), the camps will be built with leftover, recycled pieces of the U.S.-Mexico border wall.

For more information on yeti immigration and other hot political issues, keep it tuned to The Pattison Chronicle. Make sure to tweet your support for the #NotMyMountain campaign, and write to your local congressperson.

-Ashton Macaulay, Skier, Middle-Class American, and Raging Liberal 

Electric Car Motors Linked to Increased Gun Violence

DECEMBER 2 2015, PATTISON HEADQUARTERS, REDMOND WASHINGTON

First, let me say that it’s been a while, and that we are truly sorry for our absence. There is no doubt that your minds have gone to mush without the sultry sweet tunes of our hard facts to rock out to. Fear not, we are back, and with a hell of a story to boot. What forced us off of the white sand beaches of Curacao, away from the drunken acrobatic monkeys and whiskey fueled tropical parties? The answer is simple; the liberals are at it again…

Over the past few weeks the Hilary/Bernie/Obama (pick a damned candidate) propaganda machine has been spinning lies aimed at taking down the gun industry (sorry that you didn’t buy stock in Winchester). In an attempt to drive attention away from the clear presidential frontrunner King Donald Trump, the left wing media has seen fit to drum up a bunch of negative publicity for America’s favorite pastime guns.

Let us start by saying yes, the incidents occurring over the past few weeks have been terrible, but the lax regulations in the firearm industry are not to blame. While the liberals would have you believe that a couple of homicidal zealots gunned down people as a result of misinformation and misguided rage, it is simply not true. The answer is actually quite a simple one: Magnetic radiation from Tesla’s new electric cars is cooking perfectly sane minds and turning them into killing machines.

A top scientist at The Pattison’s privately funded Dartmouth University Minneapolis Branch published a paper earlier this week that has been all but ignored in the media. In this paper he writes “Due to the magnetic nature of the electric car’s battery, dangerous waves and particles have been leaking into the atmosphere and producing brain damage.” He goes on to provide test results from a sample of three homeless, white, males between the ages of 18 and 25, who all experienced unusual thoughts when sat next to a Tesla motor vehicle for over an hour. The paper ends with a stirring call to action “If we cannot stop these inventions of death from finding their ways into the hands of our citizens, then we as a nation are doomed. Buy Ford, and remember, oil has never been greener.”

*Note that all correlations are spurious and as such should be taken extremely serious.

Protestors have already begun to accumulate outside Nikola Tesla’s house in Croatia, to request a halt on all manufacturing of future products. Unfortunately, the company has no ties to Nikola, but the hearts of the angry mob are in the right place, and for that, we give them the Pattison Seal of Approval. Remember, the key to change is activism. If you feel that you have been inadvertently coerced into murder, arson, public indecency or other criminal behavior while within a fifty-mile radius of a Tesla vehicle, tell the world. Ignorance is the sickness that plagues a weak nation, and we can be stronger than that. Put your foot in the way of progress and say “Enough is enough!”

The Pattison Chronicle will be returning to a semi-regular posting schedule, to avoid any further international or domestic conflicts. Keep checking our website, share our knowledge with your friends, and remember to follow us on Facebook and Twitter.

Ashton Macaulay, Sparker of Ill-Conceived Protest Movements & Chief Executive Editor/Writer/Photoshopper